Betrayal or Disappointment?

“I really don’t want to spend time with You this morning.”

God woke me up on time for the seventh morning in a row. Yet, those were the first words out of my mouth.

Sometimes I lay down for a few more moments and repeat the same thing. Then, I dragged myself out of bed to sit with the Lord – the last place I wanted to be.

Other times, I turned over in bed and drifted off to sleep. Like an annoying little brother, He’d wake me again but I refused to get up.

On the days I did get up, I could not focus. My mind spiraled with disappointment over the things I felt He hadn’t done. I’d listen to a worship song and read my Bible. But my mind was thousands of miles away. I found myself re-reading the same passage over and over again. Or replaying the song that didn’t connect for me.

I’d talk to God about any and everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just sat and stared into space. Wishing I was elsewhere. Honestly, the place I was was not even on the list of places I wanted to be.

Yep. That’s an honest confession. There were days when sitting with God did not even make the list of places I wanted to be.

That was the actions and thoughts of a daughter who loved her Father. I loved Him but I did not want to be around Him. I love Him but could not bear to be in His presence. Can you relate?

Digging deeper into disappointment

On the eighth morning, God woke me again. The same sentence escaped my lips: “Lord, I really don’t want to spend time with You this morning.”

(A quick side note, God is better than any alarm clock. Try asking Him to wake you.)

This time, He responded differently. “Chanel, do you realize whenever you feel like I am about to disappoint you – or that I’ve disappointed you, you distance yourself from Me?”

I stopped. Silence as a bombshell memory hit me.

In 2020, during heartbreak, I believed God had failed me. I could not bear to be around Him. I could not believe He loved me while I felt so broken, unseen, and betrayed. How could He allow this to happen? Didn’t He see how I felt? (I talk about this in Chapter 6 of In Search of the Pink Flamingo.)

God’s instruction to “stay the course” (when I wanted to run) felt like a betrayal. Things not working out how I thought they would felt like a betrayal. I felt deeply disappointed in Him. I felt betrayed by Him. And so, in hindsight, it was not surprising when I could not bear to sit in His presence. Eventually my nightly talks with Him stopped.

Why would I want to spend time with someone I did not trust…who I felt had betrayed me? (It took me months to realize that He had not betrayed me…and years before I could thank Him for that season. I am standing in the fruits of it now).

Dealing with disappointment and betrayal.

But back to that eighth day. Tears welled up as realization hit me. I was treating God like someone I could not stand to be around.

I repented immediately, “Lord, forgive me. You are right and I don’t know what to do.”

He issued one invitation. “Come sit with Me.”

I obliged with a bit of apprehension but with equal openness. I repented but the feeling of not wanting to be around Him still remained.

Have you ever been betrayed by someone you love and trusted? Have you ever felt like they deeply disappointed you? How did you feel in those moments?

If you are anything like me, that person is the one you feel you need space from. Maybe you cannot bear to be around them because their presence is a constant reminder of the festering wound in your chest. Their presence is a reminder that they failed you. That they betrayed you. That they did not show up when they promised to. You trusted them and they failed. They broke that trust. And now, it hurts to be in their presence.

I know I’m talking to many brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, friends, husbands, wives, bosses, colleagues, etc.

Feeling betrayed by someone you love hurts deeply. Feeling like you cannot trust someone you love breaks something in you.

And that was how I was feeling with God. I felt disappointed. I equated that disappointment to feeling betrayed. I trusted His leadership. I’d said “yes” when everything in me screamed for me to say “no”.

Yet, things looked nothing like I hoped they would. Some of my worst fears were playing out in reality. How could I continue to trust Him? Maybe I was the only one I could trust. Maybe I needed to start handling things myself.

Those were some of the thoughts that swirled in my head for weeks. Thoughts, I did not dare to acknowledge consciously, much less aloud.

As I sat that morning with the Lord a heart-wrenching confession tumbled from my lips. “Lord, I don’t want to be here. And I don’t know what to do about it.”

He told me, “That’s ok. Pull up your journal and write whatever is on your mind and heart.”

The Fear of Being Disappointed

That morning as I journaled, I discovered a hard truth: Whenever I referenced God in my journal, I referred to Him in the third person. He went from being “Father and You” to being “He, God, Him, etc.”

Whenever I fear that God won’t show up for me. That He will disappoint me. That He will not keep His promises. That He has disappointed or betrayed me… I distance myself from Him emotionally and physically.

The pain of trusting and being let down runs deep, doesn’t it? Trusting and feeling like you’ve been left to figure things out by yourself hits deep. Many of us have felt betrayed by people we love after we trusted them and then they left us to figure things out ourselves. That hurt often leads to distancing ourselves from them.

In my case, that was how I felt about my relationship with God in that moment.

That morning, the aching plea of a little girl disappointed time and time again by the people she loves made its way onto the pages of my journal.

“Abba, I am trusting You. Please don’t break my heart and trust in You. They are both so fragile in this season. The truth is, I am also so tired of doing things in my own strength. I just want to be a daughter whose Daddy shows up when she needs Him…and when He says He will.”

My plea made one thing clear. I feared being disappointed by God.

Feeling Disappointed and Betrayed

A day later, I found someone who resonated deeply with how I was feeling. I realized another stark truth as I read Eliphaz’s words to his friend Job in Job 15:11-13:

If you don’t know who Job is, He was a righteous man who trusted God and yet, God allowed Satan to take things he held dear.

As I read Eliphaz’s words, tears bubbled up. I could relate to Job. He was a man who felt deeply disappointed by God and had questions. A man who did nothing to deserve what happened to him. Yet God saw it fit for him to go on that journey.

I was there too. I didn’t just fear being disappointed by God. I was feeling disappointed in God. I felt betrayed! He had not kept His word in the way I thought He would. I could see His hand in my obedience to His instructions, but He was not moving fast enough by my standards.

How could God tell me repeatedly that He delights in me and then turn areas of my world upside down? That was an ultimate betrayal.

I had all of these questions and feelings of hurt. It was no wonder I didn’t want to be around Him. My bottled-up disappointment made me feel like He had betrayed me. Which was not true.

God’s Truth: He Won’t Betray You.

In the weeks that followed my honesty, my relationship with God and understanding of Him grew deeper. I know this is cliché but for the first time, I truly saw and accepted that He loves me and does not intend anything to harm me even when it feels harmful. I learned that His love is constant, even when circumstances feel painful.

I understood on an even deeper level the nuances of the things He is refining in me. His area of focus revolved around my self-sufficiency – a rooted hallmark of my recovering people-pleasing tendencies that still affected my life and dulled my pink and ability to fully trust Him in ways I could never have imagined.

I got to see and appreciate our Father’s love for us on a deeper level. I grew more aware of His hand and presence all around us. I grew more aware and appreciative of His hand in my life. I grew more sensitive to His voice and leadership. It took this season of my life to get to a place where I am not self-sufficient. I am God-sufficient. I am God-dependent. I am not my Plan A. God is my Plan A-Z, even when His instructions make the least sense.

On Christmas Eve, gratitude filled my soul as I sat in a church service and reflected on God’s hand in my life and the lives of those I’ve witnessed. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I whispered, “Abba, please don’t let me ever forget how I feel about You at this moment. Please don’t let me forget how I’ve seen You show up for me and the people around me.”

The season I felt deep-rooted disappointment in God and betrayed by God was one where He was very much present and at work around and in me.

The Point? I assure you there is one…

I think that is such a beautiful culmination and ongoing journey of a human daughter anchored in the love of her adoring Heavenly Father who often tells her that He delights in her.

One of the most beautiful things I am reminded of as I write this post, my pink flamingo friend, is that God is not afraid of our feelings. He is omniscient! He knows them anyway.

And yet, He delights in us being open and transparent with Him. Isn’t that how intimacy is formed?

You might have days when disappointment clouds your faith. That’s okay. There will be days when we fear God will disappoint us. There will be many days when we feel disappointed about outcomes connected to the journey that God takes us on. We thought it would work out one way, but it didn’t. We cannot feel His presence. Having those feelings is okay. There is nothing wrong with you. It is the incredible humanness of being human.

It is what you do with those feelings that matter.

Do not let them separate you from the love of our Father. Take those feelings to Him. He loves you unconditionally. Do not let them swamp you with anxiety to the point where you take control and miss the blessing He has for you.

Do not lean on your understanding. Rest in the knowledge of one thing. God is the ultimate parent. He is not a deadbeat dad. His actions are never meant to betray you.

Even if you can’t see it and you don’t understand it, know He cares for you DEEPLY. Even when life doesn’t make sense, He is for you, not against you. So, align with Him. Abide in Him and rest in the safety and peace of His presence.

It is not easy for someone self-sufficient all their lives. It is not easy for someone who is used to making things happen. But it is a better way. It is a way that honors Him, you, and your neighbor.

🛠️Flamingo Resource(s): Confessions of A Prayer Slacker

If you are in a rut in your prayer life…or have no idea how to build a consistent prayer life.

I recommend, “Confessions of a Prayer Slacker” by Diane Moody. This book helped me to sit with and hear God consistently. That habit changed my life and continues to change my life! In Search of the Pink Flamingo and many of the Flamingo thoughts I share came from me using the book’s principles to sit with God.

I’m on my third read. God leads me back to it and I always walk away with a renewed heart and perspective. Get it for free on Amazon today! You can also supplement it with the Encouraged Growth Devotional designed to help you get intimate with God.

🤩Things I Am Grateful For (What We’ve Been Up To)

🦩Round three edits for “Lean In To Your Pink Flamingo” (the new book). There is no doubt in my mind that this book will change lives. God changed my life so I could pass on the lessons I learned through this book. You can donate here if you’d like to contribute to bringing it through the final stages of release! Check out the cover here.

🦩Acclamizing to the cold weather as I spend quality time with friends and my boyfriend in North Carolina. God’s willing, this story is a book in the making.

🦩The godly cheat sheet lessons I am learning as I go through Job. The Book of Job feels so personal. I have wept for Job because I truly get it. Disappointment hits differently when it rocks the core of our God-relationship foundation. Sometimes that foundation needs to be shaken so a sturdier foundation is formed. Check out our YouTube channel for biblical cheat sheets to purpose and life-long joy & peace.

🦩Speaking on Steve Wright’s podcast about the Pink Flamingo Way of being for individuals and business owners.