30. Single…and A Virgin. Why the wait?

At 30 years old, there are two questions I get asked quite a lot.

1. Why are you single?
2. Why are you still a virgin?

The answers to both these questions are linked…and definitely not what most people think.

A common assumption is that I’m a virgin because I am a Christian. And that I am single because I do not have options. Both couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sure, I want to honor my Christian covenant with God, and I understand the implications of breaking that covenant. But I made the decision to wait until marriage to have sex… before I became a Christian. In fact, the reason for that decision has evolved and strengthened over the years. Before I explain further, the premise of my decision can be summed up in two sentences.

At 13 years old, I studied the consequences and decided that bouncing from man to man and being sexually active outside of marriage was not worth it. I’ve never faltered on that decision. Here is why.

No desire to spoil my plans.

I grew up with a heavy weight of responsibility. I was deemed “full of promise” at an early age. So, I was always fully aware of what was expected of me by my elders and the people who invested in me. Because of that, I refused to do anything that would disappoint them or make my plans to repay them go up in smoke. Like Alexander Hamilton, I only had one shot to bring those plans to life. I refused to waste my one shot on any of the consequences I saw daily in my family and the neighborhood I grew up in.

Do you know what was better than birth control or any sermon to refrain from premarital sex? Seeing 10s of single mothers, teen moms, absent dads, and immature or indifferent boyfriends daily. I saw women who fell in love with a different man every month, giving each new “love” access to their body only to be disappointed again and again or have one baby after the other. I knew of peers who were pressured into sleeping with their boyfriends to prove “they loved him” only for the guy to walk away or devalue their gift of love afterward. And then others did it because “everyone else was doing it,” or they got caught up in the moment. I saw the baby momma and baby daddy drama that occurred after the relationships ended. I saw it all and decided it wasn’t worth it.

I wasn’t judgemental about their choices. I just recognized that their decisions had consequences I did not want to deal with and wasn’t equipped to handle.

I did not want to go through the trial and error of having had multiple sexual partners and heartbreaks by the time I was 30. Truthfully, the thought of giving multiple men access to my body irked me out. I didn’t want to end up on the struggle bus with kids for 3 different fathers and no support. And worse, I couldn’t afford the mental and emotional baggage that came with any of those situations. On top of that, there were generational patterns I refused to allow to continue through me. That life was not for me or the plans I had for my life, and so I made a deal with God and myself to wait until marriage.

Morphed into a yearning…

By the time I hit my 20s and achieved some of the success my elders expected, my fear of the natural consequences decreased. That desire to keep my deal with God stayed as a curious thing happened. A yearning for something different rose in me (truly, it felt like a unicorn, but I was willing to hope for it).

I started desiring the gift of experiencing the joys and intimacy of sex for the first time with my husband. I wanted to gift him that. I wanted all my sexual memories to be with one person (unless God forbid, he died). 🫠 I am not afraid that I will miss out or get bored with having sex with one person. I’ve never been shy about praying for a husband whom I will be sexually compatible and explosive with.

And though it may be a bit old-fashioned, as I started to desire a child, I recognized that I also desired the husband-baby combo. I desire a man who I feel safe and secure enough to give my body and heart to, share a life with, and eventually create and raise a little life with. And so I waited.

Intentional picking…

As I matured, I understood my needs, myself, God, values, and purpose better. I recognized that I needed more than a family-oriented man whom I had great sex and conversations with. There were even bigger consequences at stake.

We have to be equally yoked on the levels that matter to both of us.

There are a lot of people I can be compatible with, but many won’t be going in the same direction as I am. Not every man could walk alongside me as I step into purpose and work on the vision that lights me up. Neither can I walk alongside just any man. I now got frustrated when faced with men who had zero motivation or sense of direction about where he wanted to get to. I am less concerned about what he does (as long as he has a deep desire for it and aligns with God). I became more focused on whether or not he knows who he is and where he is going. If he wanders aimlessly and doesn’t lead himself, I had zero confidence that he could lead me in a way that allows me to steward what God placed in me and inspire him to accomplish what God placed in him.

I recognized that I need a partner: a man with a vision whom I could thrive with on all levels and who could thrive with me. Who I could be better with and who could be better with me. I have to partner with a special kind of co-builder who can dream with me, work on a collective vision together, and build something sturdy that will last.

Because of those needs and desires, I got disciplined and intentional about my dating life. I got very selective about who I agreed to go on dates with. And even fewer get my agreement for us to date and be in each other’s space constantly.

I’m gonna be honest. The journey wasn’t always straightforward or easy. I am a young woman with a healthy sex drive. I spent 14 years battling masturbation and pornography…topics I talk about openly in my book “In Search of the Pink Flamingo.” But despite all of that, I remained true to the conviction and decision my 13-year-old self made… even as my assessment of the consequences evolved and my Christian life grew.

So dear friend, the simple answer to why I am still single and a virgin is this… While I do date, I have not yet met the man with a vision who I can trust and feel assured that he will value the gift of my body, essence and vision even as I value his. Until then, I keep both states as I walk daily with God, live fully in the moments of the life He blessed me with, grow personally, build solid relationships, and do the purposeful work that fulfills me. Waiting to meet my guy and experience him in all ways is worth it to me and him.