Are You a Cheap Date?

I recently had a memory that left me doubled over with laughter. During my corporate days, my boss and I would often walk down to a nearby food court to grab coffee or a snack as we caught up on the work I was doing and how he could assist me.

Each time we reached the cashier, he would tell me to order whatever I wanted. That would have been a dream come through for most women or employees, but not me. The most I ever ordered was a bottle of water or a cookie. 😅 To be honest, sometimes I ordered the water to be polite more than because I actually wanted it. After a few instances of this, he took to teasingly calling me “a cheap date.” 🤣

As I reflected on the memory, I asked the Lord why He thought it important for me to remember it. He responded with one sentence:

People-pleasers are cheap dates.

He piqued my curiosity. “Lord, what do You mean?”

“Well, people-pleasers, even former ones, often struggle to ask for what they want/need or feel guilty about receiving from others. They don’t want to be a burden to others. Even when they desperately need it, they’ll reject the help or never ask for it.”

At that, dozens of memories flooded my mind. I remembered numerous instances when I’d feel overwhelmed but never spoke up and asked for help. Or people would offer to help, but I’d smile and say that I’m okay even as I struggled to keep up or didn’t have the resources. My ego and pride were my number one companion and enemy. I preferred to suffer in silence or figure it out on my own instead of asking for the help I desperately needed. Other times I’d fear letting anyone see my mess so I pretended things were okay instead of asking for help or accepting the help offered.

The thing is, no matter how independent we are, we are not created to do life alone. Like the members of the body, we are created to be interdependent. We thrive better and go further when we lean into the interconnectedness and interdependence of our community. In other words: It is brave to ask for and accept help. Your community wants to support you, so let them. God wants to provide for you, so accept help from the people He sent to help you. Just think about how you’d feel if your loved ones refused to let you support them. It feels like a slap in the face, especially when you know without a doubt that they need help.

This lesson cemented for me when I witnessed a busy friend rearrange his life, without a second thought, to support a friend who needed it. It was such an admirable act to witness. It made me realize I had friends who’d do that for me in a heartbeat if I had the courage to ask more. It became real for me in the last few weeks as I deal with the emotional aftermath of my grandmother’s one-year death anniversary, the preparations to launch my first book, the unexpected health scare of a parent, preliminary plans to uproot my life and day-to-day business. Had I had to do it all alone, I would have been overwhelmed, scared and stressed out.

Instead, I ditched the option my younger people-pleasing self would have normally leaned into. I opted to ask for and accept help wholeheartedly. And the results were amazing! I’ve never felt more loved and supported by my community. I’ve never felt more seen. I got so emotional that I cried a few times as I watched my community show up to support me. It was a relief to know that my people were there to hold me up.

The Point? I assure you there is one… 🙂

Don’t be a cheap date. You aren’t a burden to anyone. Allow your community to be your steady foundation and support. Accept the support your community longs to give you. Ask for the help you desperately need.