“Left or write?” is a Jamaican phrase that’s usually met with mockery and a sense of betrayal. Whenever that phrase sashays into a conversation, it usually tumbles from the lips of a corrupt police officer who stopped you for a traffic violation before pulling you aside to covertly ask, “left or write?” In other words: “will you pay a small sum to make your traffic violation go away or I shall I write you a ticket?”
You can see now why being on the receiving end of that phrase evokes anger or betrayal…or relief if you are someone facing a hefty fine.
If you are like me, some of the first thoughts that probably went through your mind was “how could a police officer lack such integrity?”, “who would dare take them up on their offer to give a bribe? What sort of person does that?”
It’s easy for thoughts to dominate our minds and conversations when we are sitting on the outside of the situation.
But let’s dig into bribes a bit more. Stick with me especially if you are a recovering people-pleaser who desire to respond in God-aligned ways that honor you and others. You don’t have to keep reacting in ways that make you feel frustrated, confused, ashamed and guilty. I’m gonna give you a cheat sheet to finally showing up every day as the calm, loving, grounded and clear person God created you to be. It starts with dealing with the emotional bribes you may not be aware you’re accepting.
What “Accepting Bribes” Looks Like in People-Pleasing
What if I told you that I’ve accepted bribes in the past and even today? Would that change the way you feel and think about me?
What if I told you that you’ve accepted bribes in the past and even today? Did you reflectively rear back in denial…because you wouldn’t…or because only bad people like that police officer accept bribes?
I came across the following passage in Exodus 23:8 –
“Take no bribes, for a bribe makes you ignore something that you clearly see. A bribe makes even a righteous person twist the truth.”
My mind immediately acknowledged the truth of the statement. Accepting bribes does mess with your perspective. I thought of corrupt officials and all the stories I’ve heard and judged over the years about them accepting bribes. For example, those corrupt police officers. I did not think the passage applied to me for one second. I even wondered why God would see it fit to put something like that in the Bible. It didn’t seem applicable to the common man.
That stream of thought U-turned when a monster truck thought hit me. I’ve accepted bribes too and ignored things that were clear to see. I do it daily! We have all done it. We all take bribes to soothe our emotions and satisfy our way of thinking, oftentimes at the very expense of our God-given pink flamingo identity and the work God is doing within us.
Let’s dig in a bit more by looking at the definition of bribery.
A bribe typically includes these key elements:
- Breach of Duty: The advantage is given specifically to influence a decision or action, breaking rules or trust. The action should be impartial but becomes biased due to the bribe.
- An Advantage/Benefit: Money, gifts, trips, jobs, services, or even future promises.
- An Official Position: Someone with power to act. That’s you or me. We always have the power to act in our lives.
Recognizing the Daily Bribes You Keep Taking
Let’s pull this into real-life beyond the stories we typically hear about corrupt officials.
Just last month I told you the story of how I spent a year releasing control around money. For years, I accepted bribes that robbed me of the things I needed most.
- It was the story of how I spent a lifetime accepting the bribes that money offered:
- The benefit: Having a lot of money made me feel and look successful. It also gave me a sense of security and safety that quenched my fear of poverty and help others around me.
- Breach of Duty: I forfeited the true safety and security that comes with trust in God. I hustled when I should have rested. I sacrificed my health psychologically and physically. I rooted my identity into one who makes money instead of Daughter who is already loved and proved for by her Father.
- It was the story of how I accepted the bribe of being seen as the “strong capable one”:
- The benefit: Wearing that hat helped me avoid the discomfort of being let down by others or “being a burden on others”.
- Breach of Duty: I mainly relied on myself and my resources. I forfeited the provision that God made through people around me. And so, for a long time, I thought I was alone and surrounded by people who wouldn’t pour into me like I pour into them.
The month before that, I shared with you the story of how I spent more than half my life accepting the bribe of other people’s approval to feel worthy and like I’ve done a great job. Heck, I burned out twice and almost died from working so hard and chasing a post-card version of success. All because I undervalued the approval God gave me as His daughter, from the beginning of time.
And the month before that, I told you about a bribe I am confronted with daily. The temptation to treat my loved ones like the enemy when they behave like assholes or I feel triggered and want to shut down or react. Each time, I choose that option, I step into reactive mode and forfeit the groundedness and God-aligned way of being I desire and intimacy and non-tit-for-tat relationships I deeply desire.
Just last week, I had 3.5 slices of cake after promising myself I wouldn’t. I went into the kitchen, saw my freshly made cake (my mom-in-law is an excellent baker). I accepted the bribe of indulging my sweet tooth and immediately forgot my renewed commitment to be healed and healthy emotionally, physically, psychologically and every other level.
Just this morning, I called myself to account for procrastinating on reaching out to people God told me to contact about the Pink Flamingo University. I opted to keep the false sense of safety I got from trusting what I could see. Instead of trusting what God told me although God’s instructions didn’t seem to make sense and giving people an opportunity, they may need without knowing a solution exists.
See what I mean about bribes? Can you relate to any of the personal examples I gave?
In our daily everyday life, it is very easy to exchange our core values and standards of being for something else that seems valuable on the outside but compromises our truest pink flamingo selves and our relationship with God, ourselves and others.
It has been so even from bible days. Just check the story about twin brothers, Jacob and Esau.
As the firstborn son, Esau got the family’s birthright. After his father’s Abraham’s death, he would have leadership of the family and a larger share of the family’s inheritance. One day, Esau came in exhausted from hunting and very hungry. He found Jacob cooking some good lentil stew (I imagine it smelt really good because when you are ravenous, even the worst of foods begin to look and smell good). Esau begged his brother for some of the food. In that moment, Jacob saw an opportunity to bribe his brother. He asked Esau to sell his birthright in exchange for the meal. Esau agreed to the deal, swore an oath, then ate, drank, and left.
This dude (Esau) literally gave up the most valuable thing he had in his life (his identity and future) for a bowl of stew! It’s a warning for us all. There is nothing wrong with ravenous hunger. But how we meet the need for that hunger matters. Using maladaptive means to satisfy our hunger is a surefire way to create compromises. How we choose to satisfy our insatiable appetites can cause us to accept bribes that rob us of our identity and future.
Trading Grey Flamingo Reactiveness for God-Led Pink Flamingo Responsiveness
Now, let tie this back to people-pleasing recovery and learning how to show up in the day-to-day moments as your truest “pink flamingo” God-aligned responsive self.
The core of unlearning people-pleasing behaviours and learning God-aligned responses (what I call pink flamingo responses) is recognizing that you’ve spent majority of your life accepting emotional bribes. You know this already but let me remind you using the most universal of examples of recovering people-pleasers typically relate to. Many times, when you offer assistance to someone, on the surface you think you are helping. But when you peel that top layer off there’s likely another motive at play. The most common one is “giving to get”. You’re giving because you want something back from this person. For instance, you might want their love, attention, approval or for them to change a behavior that makes you uncomfortable.
The same thing happens when you face some of the fruits of your life-long people-pleasing habits. When you struggle to receive from others, express what you want, deal with conflict and rest. There is an emotional bribe you are accepting. Something to make you feel a certain way. You’re exchanging your core values and standards of being for something else that seems valuable on the outside but compromises your truest pink flamingo selves and your relationship with God, yourself and others.
Trading in grey flamingo reactiveness for pink flamingo God-aligned responsiveness requires that you get good at dealing with daily emotional bribes by:
- recognizing when you’re being offered a bribe
- dealing with the issues that cause you to feel like you must accept the bribe
- responding in a God-, self- and neighbour-honouring way when you’re offered a bribe.
Responding Like Jesus When Tempted to People-Please
When walking the Pink Flamingo Way, this boils down to understanding your motives in the day-to-day moments by getting intimate with your emotions and the beliefs driving them. You get great at analyzing them honestly and not shying away from what you learn in the everyday moments.
And when you uncover pesky distorted beliefs, you deal with the distortions that same way, Jesus did thousands of years ago when the devil “tried to bribe” Him with bread, public glory, and world power in exchange for disobedience and worship.
Jesus responded to each bribe with the truth. He refused each offer by quoting truths from scripture, refusing every offer and affirming loyalty and worship to God alone.
Walking the Pink Flamingo Way (Like Jesus Did) in Everyday Life
When walking the Pink Flamingo Way, confronting grey flamingo bribes with pink flamingo truth everyday in our relationships with God, ourselves and others looks like:
- Identifying areas where we jumped to conclusion and made assumptions. We then take a God-led path to getting the truth instead of feeding the stories in our heads and continuing to assume things. For example: instead of letting fear of abandonment hijack us by thinking “he’s angry at me. What did I do? Let me retreat.” when someone we love looks angry. We challenge that assumption “people can look upset and it has nothing to do with us.” And we can even take it a step further by seeking the truth from that person, “you look upset. Are you ok?” and give them the space to share what’s going on. That’s way better than getting angry or shutting down because someone looks upset, so we create a whole story in our heads about why they are upset and what that means.
- Understanding where we’re disappointed or dissatisfied because we have uncommunicated or unmet expectations and dealing with that as God leads us instead of allowing feelings to upend you day-to-day. For example: Instead of thinking, “they should know what I need?” or complaining that “no one gives me anything.”, learning to ask for what you desire/need. Learning to deal with the underlying issues that prevents you from asking.
- Understanding where we believe lies or half-truths that do not align with our experiences or what God says about us. We replace those with God’s truth and the truth of our experiences. When our emotional field is clouded by our beliefs, we use a lot of shoulds, musts and nevers. We also take responsibility for things outside our control or try to let others take responsibility for things outside their control, like our feelings. We also shift into overgeneralizations like believing, “no one gives like I do.” Or transform, one person telling us “no” into rejection that will be done by others to us.
- Getting help with clearing the psychological and help trauma that skews our perspective. I’m not a therapist but I’m always happy to refer you to a great one.
🦩Your Roadmap: A Dare to Stop Accepting Emotional Bribes
Your Pink Flamingo Dare: Write down one situation you’re dealing with right now that feels scary and hard to navigate. Make a list of the unfiltered thoughts that are floating around in your head. How many of them are fully true?
Want more dares like this? Subscribe to the Pink Flamingo Dares to practice being your God-aligned pink flamingo self daily.
Are you a recovering people-pleaser who is committed to loving yourself AND others as your God-aligned self? Do you desire to respond and show up in your relationships in God-aligned ways that honor you AND others, instead of reacting undesirably the same? Apply for the Pink Flamingo University. We are all about equipping you with practical tools to love yourself and others as your truest “pink flamingo” self in the everyday moments.
🦩Your Other Paths To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
Want to support our work? Our mission is to help Caribbean families and communities heal from the psychological wounds of slavery and people-pleasing patterns passed down through generations. Want to be a part of that healing? Forward this email to a Caribbean friend. OR Sow a seed here.
Are you an organization leader who is committed to equipping your team or leaders to serve without depleting themselves until they burnout, quiet quit or resign? Shoot me an email at [email protected] to find out more about booking me for trainings or workshops.
P.S. Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours, even if it’s just a two-line email! [email protected].
