This morning, the Lord reminded me of a critical part of my burnout and people-pleasing story. He reminded me of when I left the church and checked out on Him for almost a year and a half.
I am not ashamed of this experience. I thought it was necessary at the time. I just never thought much about how that season of my life shaped my journey and current relationship with God. And so, I’ve never shared it publicly.
In 2017, during my first burnout, I walked away from the church. I was unsure I would ever return. I lied when I gave my pastor my membership renouncement letter. I told her I was leaving because I was working at a new location and I had found a church there that I wanted to become more involved in. She gave me her blessing.
The truth was, I checked out of church a year before I handed in that letter. I was working in a new location but I hadn’t found a church. I just needed a break from “church” as I knew it to be. I was exhausted by the responsibilities and the expectations for me to show up and use my gifts to serve. I was tired of Sundays where I left my house at 9:30am but would not return home until after 3:00pm, exhausted. I was exhausted that I was always on the go on Sundays. I taught Sunday School, I led the Praise and Worship Team, and then would sing on the choir before doing stuff in the youth ministry after church. That was just Sunday. I had other church responsibilities during the week!
I was tired of having questions nobody seemed to have answers to. I felt alone in a large group of people who “needed” me and my gifts but did not truly see me. I was tired of feeling like I could not say “no”. I was exhausted from living my double-life of barely coping but smiling every day as I dealt with a porn, masturbation and literotica addiction. I was just plain out tired of being tired.
After almost 10 years as a Christian who participated heavily in ministry, I did not know the God that everyone talked about. I did not know the God I taught about and worshipped. I knew all the bible stories of Him, but I did not know Him. Everyone talked about Him, and you’d feel good after a jump-up-and-down service and a feel-good sermon, but I did not know Him. I experienced Him, but He felt like a distance third cousin. I could not feel Him. I sometimes secretly pondered if He really existed. If He did, why didn’t He see me and deliver me from my troubles and addictions?
Those were the thoughts I entertained after being a Christian for almost 10 years. And so, I walked away when the opportunity presented itself. I needed answers. I didn’t know where to find them. But I knew I wouldn’t find them if I stayed where I was. A few days later, I left for my first solo cruise. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly free.
After I left the church, I didn’t check out on the “christian” routine of “relationship with God” immediately. Truth be told, I did not have much of a routine. I was never much of a prayer, but I did read my bible often enough. Eventually, I stopped doing even that. I stopped doing everything connected to God. I checked out on God and descended into a state of limbo.
That was the season when I tried a lot of things the church told me I shouldn’t do with no explanation. If I didn’t feel convicted about it and felt like doing it, I did it.
I remained in that state until August 2019 when my mindless Facebook scroll brought me to a sermon clip from Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church. I don’t remember what the clip was about, but I do remember that it was the first time in a long time I heard a Christian share about his struggles and past with such honesty. His humbleness, openness, and transparency drew me. It felt real. I was intrigued. I consumed more and more of his content before I found myself tuning into his church sermons weekly.
By December 2019, I joined one of Transformation Church’s small groups. And for the first time ever, I experienced what it was like to have a community who heard from God and held you accountable. I am still connected to some of those women today.
Even during that season, I still pretended about my relationship with God. I pretended to be happy and satisfied with the life I was building. I was quite good at lying to myself, God and others about where I was truly at. I heard Him better but I did not know Him. People experienced my spiritual gifts of teaching, prophecy and words of wisdom and knowledge and assumed God and I were close but that was far from the truth.
Our relationship did not change until I almost lost my mind and life in early 2020. That’s when I truly started questioning my purpose. That’s when I got honest with God about exactly where I was at. That’s when I admitted that I needed something more than I could do. I had tried everything else but was still miserable and lost on a soul level. That’s when I decided to give God a chance to prove that He was real. I wanted to see if He could be “Chanel’s God”. He more than proved that He could. We have an ongoing 1:1 relationship, and I do the things I do today because of it.
I’ve yet to return to a physical church but I do recognize that I am a part of the CHURCH – a group of imperfect people who love God, reflect His heart for His people and who God partners with daily.
Why this share today? When God reminded me of my story this morning, He invited me to share it with you. I don’t know where you are at in your journey. Maybe you are like I was – dissatisified with “church culture” and questioning God’s existence. Maybe you’ve served and served the church and you are tired of putting yourself last. Maybe you’ve been hurt by the church and so you walked away. Maybe you walked away years ago and vowed never to come back. I don’t know where you are at but you do.
I want you to hear the story of someone who is on the other side of that journey. I want you to know that God loves you deeply. He desires relationship with you. He is seriously one of the koolest dudes you will ever be in relationship with and He has plans for you. Plans that will show you you, show you Him and show you who you were made to be. Take a chance on Him today. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
