“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” – Matthew 5:43-48
After reading that passage, one question stayed at the top of my mind: “Lord, who is my enemy?”
Here’s how the Lord used scenarios from my daily life to answer that question.
A standard definition for an enemy is:
“a person, group, or thing that opposes, hates, or seeks to harm another. This can be an individual, such as someone who spreads malicious gossip, or a formal military foe, like the opposing army in a war. The term also applies to a hostile nation or something that is detrimental, such as how “ignorance is the enemy of progress”.”
Whenever I read Matthew 5:43-48, I always pictured strangers and people who already hated me. I never thought much about how easily I drew enemy lines with my daily interactions with loved ones.
Here is one thing I never considered: Everyone has the potential to become your enemy, even loved ones!
When loved ones become the enemy…
Yes! You read that right. Everyone has the potential to become your enemy, even loved ones.
Not because they did something atrocious… (Although after years of dealing with the same thing, things can feel atrocious and our loved ones feel like the enemy because years of bitterness and resentment build-up).
In the day-to-day moments, our loved ones can seem like the enemy because we are messy imperfect beings who felt unfairly treated. It doesn’t matter if their actions were intentional or not or if our feelings of unfairness came from a skewed perception due to a story we made up in our heads. It feels unfair. They become the enemy. And we go into defensive, protective mode.
What does this mean when it comes to our daily relationships?
We often assign the “enemy” label to our loved ones, unintentionally and with very little thought beyond a need to defend or protect ourselves. Someone can be your beloved in minute one and by minute five, you see them as your enemy.
Stay with me here. Here’s what that looks like.
Have you ever gone from being lovey dovey with your spouse to shutting down or saying whatever comes to your mouth in a matter of minutes because your feelings got hurt and you believed they are out to get you, so you needed to protect yourself?
Has someone ever left their damn socks on the ground one too many times and you’ve had enough because they don’t seem to consider you? So why should you consider them?
Has a friend ever said or done something that offended you, and you immediately got defensive and felt the need to protect yourself – sometimes you even cut them off because “it’s obvious they don’t mean you any good!”?
Has your coworker every made a comment and you took it personally. You have no idea if it’s about you but you feel like it’s about you, just because you and that coworker don’t get along?
You do not feel driven to protect yourself unless you view someone as “the enemy”.
It doesn’t matter that these are people you love dearly and who love you in return. In the moment, when you are hurt and on the offensive, sometimes your history with them matters not a damn.
When your emotions get in the way and you cannot see past the nose of your own hurt, you will react to defend yourself against the enemy at the drop of a hat, unless you train yourself to do otherwise.
That’s how things shift from love, partnership, togetherness, and unity into division. That’s how things shift from an “us” dynamic into a “me vs you” dynamic.
And if we are not wise, aware, and skilled with the emotional and relational tools to repair the breach, that division can fester and fester until it breaks the relationship forever. That’s what King Solomon talked about in Song of Solomon 2:15 (NLT):
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!”
The vineyard of love gets ruined when we let little issues go unchecked because we aren’t rooted in our identity or we don’t have the emotional and relational skills to deal with those issues. Foxes left unchecked are dangerous. Foxes not handled with care are dangerous. Those “everyday fox-like moments” have the power to transform “love for those who love us” into “hate for those who love us”.
That’s how we end up in life without the people we were meant to do life with. Not because they are true enemies, but because moments like those cast them into the role of enemies in our minds, and we treat them accordingly.
Husbands and wives become enemies because of misunderstandings. Friendships die because of assumptions. Families get torn apart because of the inability to safely and gracefully express emotions and deal with conflict. It all starts in the day-to-day moment when a loved one becomes the enemy in your mind.
“You do not fight!” – Leaford Henderson
There is a reason our marriage relationship counsellor told us (Jeremy and I), “you do not fight”. Fighting changes the situation into a me vs you mentality. There is no US because someone has to win and someone has to lose. And when you are in defensive protective mode, you are working to ensure you win.
That mentality may feel great in the short-term but it slowly cripples the body. We are meant to be one. Yes, as husband and wife. And, yes! As members of the body of Christ. That means whenever we see our loved ones as our enemies and we start interacting with them from that perspective, you are literally fighting against yourself.
When you understand this, it’s evident why Jesus encourages us not to “love those who love us and hate those who hate us”. But rather to “love our enemies and those who persecute us.”
How “Love your enemies and those who persecute you.” translate into everyday moments with your loved ones
It allows God’s will to be done through us when it comes to people who intentionally harm us.
AND it trains and disciplines our mind, spirit and emotions on how to respond in the daily moments when it feels like our loved ones is our worse enemy.
In the moment when you look at someone you love and all you can see is someone you need to defend yourself from or fight against. In the moment when it feels like you are not even sure you love them anymore, much less like them. In the moment when resentment builds and fear either pushes you into self-righteous anger or avoidance because they have “proven” they can’t be trusted. (that’s Me-Focused Flamingo mindset in full swing…)
That’s when the practice of loving our enemies comes in handy.
That’s when you pull on the practice of praying for those who persecute you. Your love and regard for who God created them to be stands higher than your thirst for vengeance and blood.
That’s when the practice of seeing and picking the beam out of your eye instead of focusing on the speck in theirs becomes highly beneficial. Because sometimes just a shift in perspective can change the whole dynamics.
That’s when emotional healing, emotional intelligence and empathy become the secret weapons that cause you to grow and respond with kindness and grace instead of retaliating or cutting people off.
That’s when seeking the Lord about how to respond and doing it, even if it feels foolish, becomes automatic.
When we master the art of loving our enemies (the ones we know are out to get us), it becomes easier to love our enemies when our loved ones transform into our enemies in our mind.
So, if you are committed to loving others without losing yourself, take a page out of Jesus’s book: “Love your enemies. Love your neighbour as yourself.”
So, where are you now?
If this post resonated and your goal is to love others without losing yourself to self-sacrificing or hardening your heart…I’d love to equip you further.
Do you need practical “what to do” & “how-to-do-it” tools, real-time practice, and a supportive flock to love others without losing yourself, the Pink Flamingo Club and Pink Flamingo Dares are here to help you consistently live as your truest “Pink Flamingo” Self – someone who loves God and others without losing yourself to self-sacrifice or a hardened heart.
Start free with the 52 Pink Flamingo Dares, or join the Pink Flamingo Club to practice in real time, get guidance on every tricky interaction, and consistently lead from identity-driven love for God, yourself AND others in a supportive flock.
🦩Your Other Paths To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
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