One of the most frequent questions I get is “When are you getting married?” For many years that question made me uncomfortable because my dream was to be married by my 25th birthday. But you know what? I’m really glad that I didn’t get married at 25 like I planned and others expected.
Growing up, I had this amazing plan for my life. I would achieve certain degrees before 30, and I would meet and marry an awesome man by the time I am 25. I got the degrees but the marriage goal went by unfulfilled (not due to a lack of trying on my part). And as more people questioned me about my status, I felt so aggrieved and unseen by God.
5 years later, I am thankful that I did not get what I wanted. Unknowingly, I was such a mess that I would have messed up somebody’s son real bad… and he probably would have no idea what to do with me either.
The topic of future partners came up in a recent conversation I had with a close friend. I had a realization that left me bemused. There are a lot of people who are praying for and looking for a spouse but they haven’t done the work to be ready for who they are looking for. I know this for a fact because I used to be one of those people (heck I’m still a work in progress).
Let’s wind back the clock a bit. A few years ago, I had a chance encounter with a man who made me take a first, second, and third look. He was simply beautiful, and I knew without a doubt that he was going places. He had an air about him that said it all. And gosh knows, he intrigued me. On the surface, he looked like my perfect guy, and my natural inclination was to make him notice me. But something in me knew that I wasn’t right for him. Though I was on track with my career, there was something missing.
At the time, I didn’t know what it was. I would later discover that this was it. I didn’t know where I was going. I had no vision for my life or what I wanted. And I certainly didn’t know who I was or was brave enough to figure it out or fight for it. I was insecure and way too busy chasing and living the life everyone thought I should have while secretly I was miserable. That was where I was at 24 years old. Nowhere prepared for the husband and life I thought I wanted by 25. That man knew what he was about, I didn’t. And so, we were unequally yoked.
Now, let’s fast forward. A few weeks ago, my brain keyed in to one fact. I was now a match for that beautiful man from all those years ago. I’m now a match for the type of man I’ve always desired.
It’s not to say that I’m perfect but rather to say that I had done the hard work to progressively get. And keep doing the internal work to stay there (even if I don’t get it right the first time). I am more self-aware and willing to make the changes for my growth. I have vision for almost every area of my life and have found the confidence to be myself even if it means not fitting in with the crowd. I have dealt with trauma and healed from destructive behaviors that held me back. I know who I am and where I want to go… and had no problem doing the work to get there.
There is also something equally important that shifted in me. I learned myself and became content with me. And because of that, I don’t have this unyielding desire to always be looking for dates or to turn every interaction with a guy or date into a potential boyfriend or husband. I do not need someone to fulfill me. Rather, I desire a partner and counterpart who I can be a true help meet to. A side note: help meet comes from 2 Hebrew words “ezer and kenegdo” that roughly translates to “a complementary counterpart with the power to help, protect or aid.”
As your understanding of who you are and where you are going deepens, one thing becomes pretty clear. You are not meant for everyone. And everyone is not meant for you. That’s what gives me the confidence and peace to take the time to assess a man to determine if he is worthy of my time, space, and magic, and I his… even when I like him and he looks “perfect” on the surface.
The Point? I assure you there is one…
Until you understand you, what you need and get content with you, you will never truly be ready for who you are desiring. And even if you get it, you may just find that who you got is not who you needed. So, my dear friend, stop running the clock based on what everyone else thinks it should be. Let us get comfortable with slowing down, learning ourselves and preparing for who we desire.
And in the interim, the next time someone asks you when you are getting married, feel free to use my line, “are you donating the man [or woman]?”
Thank you for stopping by. I would love to hear from you. Do you feeling like you are in a racing deadline to marriage? Do you feel ready? Why or why not? Share in the comments section, below.