Ever felt like you took five steps towards being your truest self…but the something happens and it feels like you took ten steps back in the snap of a finger? Or that there are areas of your life that you are no closer to being who you know you are – someone who loves others without losing yourself?
Let me tell you right now! You’re not broken. You’re human. And you’re not alone. We’ve all been there…and continue to experience those moments.
These situations happen because recovery is not a straight line. And what many of us don’t realize is that as we heal from self-sacrifice and deal with everyday situations, we move in and out of four flamingo states of showing love as we learn to love others without losing ourselves. These states shift depending on your sense of safety and fairness in the moment, your maturity in that specific area of life and how equipped you are to navigate the situation using the right emotional and relational intelligence skills.
Until you recognize which state you’re in and why, you keep defaulting back to old survival strategies like saying yes when you mean no, cutting people off too fast, or overthinking yourself into exhaustion.
That gap between who you are becoming and what you actually do in the moment – is where many recovering people-pleasers get stuck. And it’s exactly what costs you peace, joy, relationships and credibility you’ve been praying for every single day.
But once you can see your state clearly, you gain language for where you are, compassion for why you are there, and tools to step into the way of living God designed for you: loving others without losing yourself.
Let’s break them down…
State 1: The “Them-Focused” Flamingo (It’s All About Showing Love for “Them”)
You’re the passive pleaser who is focused on them and what they will think or do. This is one of two states with an either me OR them mentality and this time, you are choosing them even at the cost of you. So you try to keep everyone happy, even if it costs you everything. You feel like you have to love and serve them and meet their expectations at your expense. You may even believe that it is selfish to do otherwise, so:
- You say yes to avoid conflict, guilt, or judgment, even when you are overwhelmed.
- You overdeliver out of fear, obligation, or anxiety about disappointing others.
- Your worth feels attached to others’ approval or validation.
- Your systems, boundaries and standards feel chaotic because they’re built around everyone else’s expectations.
- You keep your true self hidden to avoid rejection or looking like a fool. Things feel productive, but deeply lonely.
This is the classic grey flamingo: self-muted, self-forgetting, and always performing. It’s survival people-pleasing mode dressed up as perfectionism, overthinking and control. Even as you are healing – under pressure or in unfamiliar situations, it’s easy to revert to here, especially if safety, fairness or trust feels threatened. Or you can’t quite figure out how to love yourself without stepping on others. You may feel you have an impossible choice and choose to show up for others and sacrifice you.
Everyday example: Your coworker asks for a last-minute favor, and your weekend plans are already full. Can you say, “I can’t do that right now, but let’s find another way,” instead of automatically agreeing?
Pink Flamingo Dare: Today, notice one time you say yes out of obligation. Pause. Ask yourself: “Is this coming from my pink flamingo self or my old survival mode?” Try saying no once, gently, to protect your peace.
State 2: The “Me-Focused” Flamingo (It’s All About Showing Love for “Me”)
You’ve finally realized your worth and you’re DONE being walked on. Now you are focused on you and getting what you deserve. Your boundaries go up like walls to protect your space and peace from THEM. This is the second state with an either me OR them mentality and this time, you’re choosing you even at the cost of them.
- You don’t want to be walked on again… so you lead with edge.
- You say no often, but sometimes from fear instead of love.
- You cut people off quickly to protect your peace, even the good ones.
- There’s safety but not intimacy. Things feel… lonely.
This is still a grey flamingo, just with armor. It feels strong, but it’s not freedom. It’s a self-protection strategy, an understandable overcorrection after being in “them-focused” flamingo mode for most of your life. While there are people who have embraced this state as a way of life, it is also possible to rest here during certain situations or in some areas of life. Especially when conflict is hot and you get into defensive mode where things feel like you vs them.
When your goal is to love yourself AND others, staying in this state is a betrayal of one of your core values. Staying here shuts you off from the very thing you desire – to be yourself and have deep intimate relationships. Things feel wrong at your core and you know it. Especially when your actions hurt others and you can see it but it feels like any other alternatives will harm you.
Everyday example: You snap at a friend for asking for your help because you’re protective of your time. Could you respond with, “I can help, but here’s how it works for me,” instead of shutting down entirely?
Pink Flamingo Dare: Identify one person you’ve been quick to distance yourself from. Ask: “Is this boundary out of love or fear?” Take a small step toward connection if it feels safe and aligned with your values.
State 3: The “Us-Focused” Flamingo (It’s About Showing Love For “Us” (them and me))
You’re the bridge-builder who is learning to create mutuality. Your needs matter, and so do theirs and you’re finally figuring out how to honor both. You truly believe you can love your neighbor AS yourself and so, you operate with a me AND them mentality.
- You build win-win systems and habits that don’t require you to self-abandon.
- You say yes and no with intention, even when your voice shakes.
- You’ve stopped making exceptions that cost you peace.
- You create boundaries that protect connection and growth, not prevent it.
- Your identity is not rooted in people’s approval.
- You don’t feel the need to wear a mask, overthink, be perfect or control everything.
This is where boundaries start to feel like love, not punishment.
You’re pink… but not fully vibrant yet. This is the space where many recovering people-pleasers feel safe to rest for the rest of their lives. You get better at loving others without losing the parts of you that you are aware of. But if you are working to “love God, love you and love your neighbor”, there is still one level higher you can go.
State 4: The “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo (It’s About Showing Love for God + Me + Them)
This is the pinkest flamingo. And it’s what I call the Pink Flamingo State. This is the level where you embrace God’s way of loving yourself and others, not the world’s standards of love and relationships. You’re the anchored steward who leads from God-aligned identity-driven love, not fear, not performance. You love from your God-aligned identity, what I call your pink flamingo self. You are healed and healing so your intuition and perspectives are shifting to align with who God says you are.
- Your identity and worth are rooted in God, not people or their approval.
- You lead with humility, authority, compassion and conviction.
- Your boundaries, standards and way of being are directed by God, not trauma. You flow with God
- You build grace-filled systems and boundaries that reflect your assignment, not just your ambition.
- You know that loving and serving others AND yourself is bigger than just you or them so you love others AND yourself with intentionality and discipline. The one question you constantly ask is “does this action demonstrate love for God, me and them?”
- You have vision for your relationships and recognize that you have a duty to steward people and your relationships well.
This is the vision: clarity without control, peace without passivity, leadership and service of others without losing yourself. This is full color. Full alignment. The Pink Flamingo Self in motion – a true reflection of St. Matthew 22:36-39. You are leading and serving in a way that honors God, yourself, and your neighbor. Now you love others without losing your God-aligned self.
What Most Don’t Realize is:
You’re always leading and loving others from one of these states.
You can be a God+Us-Focused Flamingo at church and a Them-Focused Flamingo one with your family. A Me-Focused Flamingo with acquaintances and Us-Focused Flamingo with clients or at work. That’s normal.
Even when you choose a state that you will consistently be (hopefully that’s the God+Us-Focused Flamingo), there will be moments in everyday situations where you unintentionally shift into another state, that may not be in alignment with your values and intended way of being.
Give yourself grace, self-correct and go again.
I believe in progression not perfection. The key isn’t to never slip. It’s to shorten the recovery time and move back into the vibrancy of your pink flamingo “God+Us-Focused” state, more wiser than the last time. It is to cut down on the slippage to the extremes by healing so you stay in your pink flamingo state more consistently. The more you heal, the more consistently you show up as your pink flamingo self, across spaces and relationships.
So, where are you now?
And more importantly…who do you want to be? Which flamingo state do you want to show up in consistently?
If you’re healing from being a “Them-Focused” Flamingo and want to consistently show up as the Pink “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo but still feel unsure of the “how-to” in daily life – that’s the gap The Pink Flamingo Way closes.
We are not here to give you head knowledge. We provide real-time practice, tools, and a supportive community that equip you to build the skills you need to translate your faith, healing, and boundaries into everyday life – so you can confidently love God, yourself, AND others without slipping back into Them-Focused or Me-Focused Flamingo states.
Start free with the 52 Pink Flamingo Dares, or join the Pink Flamingo Club to practice in real time, get guidance on every tricky interaction, and consistently lead from identity-driven love for God, yourself AND others in a supportive flock.
🦩So What’s Next? Choose Your Path To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
Want to support our work? Our mission is to help Caribbean families and communities heal from the psychological wounds of slavery and people-pleasing patterns passed down through generations. Want to be a part of that healing? Forward this email to a Caribbean friend. OR Sow a seed here.
Are you a business owner or corporate leader committed to leading in a way that honors you and others? Book me to run a training or workshop.
P.S. Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours, even if it’s just a two-line email! [email protected].
