Hours after a tough convo, you’re still replaying what you said, wondering if you were “too much” or “spoke too harshly”. Maybe they’re secretly mad at you. You did the work and set the boundary.
And yet… your energy is drained, your mind won’t stop spinning, and the relationship feels tense. Maybe you’re failing at showing…
You’re not failing or crazy. You are recovering after self-sacrificing for so long. People-pleasing recovery is deeper than just changing behavior. It’s identity work. It’s emotional healing. It’s learning to stop trying to control every outcome to feel safe. In every area of your life, in all the new situations you’ll navigate after making the decision to love others without losing or stifling your “truest” self.
Over the years, I’ve noticed a clear pattern in people-pleasing recovery – four people-pleasing recovery stages we tend to cycle through as we heal. Knowing where you are in different areas of your life can help you to stop spiraling, strengthen your progress, and show compassion for your growth. Not only that, it helps you navigate through the everyday moments with ease and build your capacity.
Let’s break them down.
Stage One: Pre-Recovery (The “Them-Focused Flamingo”)
This is where I lived for a long time without realizing it. I was a high achiever who loved people. I did not think of myself as a people-pleaser. I knew I self-sacrificed but I thought I was abiding by Jesus’ instructions to “love my neighbor as myself.” So, I gave people what they needed, expected or desired at all costs to show my love and respect for them. Anything less was being unkind and unloving…and not a reflection of the one I serve.
And that’s the lie you probably believe. You think you’re doing what you’re supposed to do. Helping. Being kind. Not rocking the boat. Maybe you’re even praised for “having it all together.” Maybe, deep down, you know something’s off, but you haven’t given yourself permission to deal with it yet. You’re surviving. Performing. Going through the motions. Though it costs you everything that’s you. Your identity. Your emotions and your need for intense control because that’s the only way to keep your mask in place.
Here’s what life feels like in this stage:
- Saying yes when you’re already exhausted.
- Overcommitting and overdelivering to earn approval.
- Feeling lonely, like you cannot let anyone see the real you.
- The constant need to chase success by everyone’s standards, even when praised or “successful.”
- Tamping down your needs, wants and emotions.
Cost of staying here: chronic stress, relational tension, and the subtle erosion of your true self.
You remain at this stage, as a “Them-Focused” Flamingo until you admit that you are people pleasing or self-sacrificing and decide to do something about it. Until then, the deep relationships you desire, the peace and joy you desire and your need for your truest self to be seen and heard will not be fulfilled.
Reflective prompt: Where in your life are you saying yes to maintain appearances or avoid conflict?
Stage Two: Identity Recovery
When you shift into recovery, the first stage you the issue of identity (who you are and what you are worth) comes up. You realize and admit that you’ve accepted way less than what you are worth. Maybe you are like m. You finally get honest with yourself about how miserable and dissatisfied you are with life. You built something that a lot of people deem “successful” but it hasn’t fulfilled you. You are not even sure it’s what you truly want. It took me two burnouts and nearly losing my life to get here (I hope it doesn’t for you.) This when I got curious about God and decided to give Him a chance to show me who He created you to be.
It’s at this stage that many people choose their dominant people-pleasing recovery flamingo “identity” state.
– You can shift into the “Me-Focused” Flamingo state. Your language focuses heavily on “I deserve more” or “I don’t deserve to be treated the way you’ve allowed yourself to be treated”. You put up guardrails to protect your newfound “self-worth and identity”. It’s easy to default to this extreme (I sometimes go here without realizing it). But when you are a giver who loves people, being here constantly feels distressing. Staying here requires that you shift from the extreme of being a doormat to making someone else your doormat (to protect what you deserve).
– Or you can become the “Us-focused” Flamingo where the big question is, “how do I serve others without dishonoring my self-worth and needs?” In other words, “how do you love you and your neighbor?” You’re all about creating win-win solutions. But if you are someone who wants to live in unity with God, you may feel like some of the solutions you come up with feel contrary to God’s view.
– Or you shift into the “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo state (this is what I call the Pink Flamingo). You start with recognizing that you are a child of God first and get curious about who He created you to be and how He created you to operate. And as you navigate everyday moments of service, leadership and love, your actions are guided by one question: “how do I love my neighbor in a way that honors God, you, and your neighbor?” (In other words, “how do you obey St. Matt 22:36-39’s instructions to love God, love you, and love your neighbor?”). It is from this place of vision of who you are that you choose to operate as you serve and lead others, seeking to find God’s will for your interactions.
It’s at this stage that you get clearer and clearer about who you are and define the standards that you live your life by. You may start getting vision about how you want to show up in the different roles in your life.
Additionally, you also start rewiring your sense of fairness to align with your chosen flamingo identity state. Your perspective on what love is and what love looks like gets transformed. No longer can you operate from the perspective of sacrificing yourself for others. Now you are shifting into what it truly means to love your neighbor AS yourself. And what God’s view of love and fairness looks like.
Reflective prompt: Which identity stage do you feel pulled toward right now, and does it honor your core values?
Stage Three: Emotional Recovery
If you are like me, during your people-pleasing era, you got great at responding emotionally from a surface level rather than admitting to what was going on at your core. I got to the point where I struggled to put what I felt into words or even acknowledge that I felt anything. I focused on tapping down what I felt so that I could meet the needs of the other person rather than focusing on what I needed. It was the only way to survive.
Now, as you recover on the identity level, the tension rises on an emotional level. There is a constant battle between your vision of yourself, the backroom that you stuffed all your past emotions and needs into, and the emotional response patterns you currently have that are not inline with your new flamingo identity state.
- Your sense of safety is affected as you take action to walk in your new identity state. You start to see and become frustrated by the emotional effects and immaturity of wearing a mask to please others for so long. You recognize that wearing a mask to please others left you disconnected from your emotions, needs, desires and self. Now that’s not tolerable.
- You may be triggered so badly at times that you react in ways that feel like you are being unfair to others, unfair to yourself or that it is unsafe to proceed with a specific course of action. So you lizard-brain (default) to old patterns or unintentionally lean too far over into the extreme to protect yourself at the expense of others. Then become frustrated when you recognize the pattern because that’s not who you are. Now, you are ready to stop reacting and get better at responding in a way that aligns with who you are.
- If you choose an identity state that is not you at your core, you start to feel the gap of living in a way that doesn’t align with your core values. For example, if you chosed to become a “Me-Focused” Flamingo when your core desire is to be a “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo, there will be internal conflict between your actions and your emotional and spiritual self.
All of this creates an emotional tension that gets harder as you navigate different everyday life situations and find the path that best aligns with who you are at your core. You see the emotional mess, and you are ready to do something about it so you can walk more consistently in your chosen flamingo identity state. So you show up emotionally in a way that honors God, you AND others.
Don’t be like me who did the “trial and error” and waited until things got really bad. This is where a lot of people decide to go to therapy. This is when they start seeking emotional and relational intelligence tools to help them master the skill of showing up in the everyday moments. This is one of the gaps, The Pink Flamingo Club fills.
Stage Four: Releasing Control
When your dominant state was a “Them-Focused” Flamingo, control was necessary. Your ability to wear your mask was dependent on it. So you overthought every conversation. You planned out every step to avoid looking like a fool. You got great at manipulating the people around you. You got good at fooling yourself and others that you were happy. You try to control every outcome and felt like you had to hold all things together. You did everything you could stick to “your plan”, refusing to let your “truest” self out. It meant that you lived in a constant state of anxiety.
And now it’s time to release the reins and let things be. To stop trying to control everyone and everything. To take responsibility for your actions and create the space for others to do the same. It is here that you learn to stop reacting out of fear or peer pressure. You learn to be okay with disappointing others and walking the narrow path. You learn how to respond well even if people don’t do what you expected. You may find yourself redefining success and embracing practices that are more inline with your well-being in all areas of your life.
And if you are working towards being a “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo, it’s about learning to hear, obey and trust God, and believing that all His plans are working for your good and the good of those around you. This is where you learn to flow with Him. To go when He says “Go!”. To stand still when He says “Stand still.” It is here you learn that the foolish of man can sometimes be the wisest thing you can ever do in service of yourself AND others.
This is where you learn to just be and start to feel at ease in your skin. One surefire way to know you are making progress is “how at ease you feel in your skin” and how good you are getting at releasing control – are you still overthinking everything? Are you still being a control freak about everything? Are you still being a perfectionist about everything? When I stepped into this stage, I started smiling from my soul and dancing in public again without overthinking what others would say.
What Most Don’t Realize is:
People-pleasing recovery is not linear. It’s not a one and done. It’s not a just “set boundaries” or “have better work-life balance.”
Each situation you go through requires you to cycle through these stages. As you become more rooted in who you are and develop the skills you need to show up consistently, you start cycling through them faster.
I’ve also noticed that God uses these stages as seasons for growth of your pink flamingo self. He has kept me in each of these stages for months and years at a time. Right now, I’m back in the Identity stage for the first time since I shifted into Emotional Recovery in 2023. Back then, He had me in Identity Recovery since 2021. In need it, after years of operating as someone who wasn’t me.
What does it look like when He zones in on identity for a season? Each time I open my bible or God speaks to me, He invites to go deeper into my pink flamingo identity. I see identity-related themes in the bible stories and scriptures I read. He will show me root wounds, blindspots and patterns I have around my identity that I need to heal from and refine. He tells me what to do to address them. He shows me more about who He created me to be. He gives me deeper vision and a stronger perception of myself through His eyes. You’ll see those themes, revelations, insights and practical exercises coming up in my books. That means when I return to the emotions and releasing control stages, the focus will be to unlock my emotional and relational capacity to match who I am in this season.
I share all this to say that, each time you go into a new stage or return to a new stage, it’s not punishment. It’s an invitation to get a deeper understanding of your pink flamingo self in that space. It’s an opportunity to unlock your capacity for bigger. Watch out for the themes – or ask God what season He has you in so you know how to respond. Don’t miss the opportunity to be unlocked so you can “dream again and dream bigger.”
I also want to remind you that you won’t always get it right. But you are not weak for slipping. You are strong for noticing and doing something about it. Every time you choose awareness over self-sacrifice, overthinking, or perfecting on autopilot, you’re strengthening the muscles that keep you grounded in who God created you to be – your Pink Flamingo self.
And that’s the real flex.
Your Pink Flamingo self is emerging, one brave choice at a time.
So, where are you now?
Which pink flamingo stage are you in right now? Is God calling you to a higher level in your identity, emotions, or learning to release control?
Which skill set do you need to develop to navigate the everyday situations you are dealing with now? It is emotional or relational intelligence? Is it around getting deeply rooted into your God-given identity?
If you’re healing from being a “Them-Focused” Flamingo and want to consistently show up as the Pink “God+Us-Focused” Flamingo as you navigate this season and shore up your confidence in how you show up in this season and in the everyday moments of daily life – that’s the gap The Pink Flamingo Way closes.
If you want practical “how-to” tools, real-time practice, and a supportive flock to accelerate your recovery, the Pink Flamingo Club and Pink Flamingo Dares are here to help you consistently live as your “God+Us-Focused” Pink Flamingo Self, without spiraling back into people-pleasing, perfectionism, or control.
Start free with the 52 Pink Flamingo Dares, or join the Pink Flamingo Club to practice in real time, get guidance on every tricky interaction, and consistently lead from identity-driven love for God, yourself AND others in a supportive flock.
🦩So What’s Next? Choose Your Path To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
Want to support our work? Our mission is to help Caribbean families and communities heal from the psychological wounds of slavery and people-pleasing patterns passed down through generations. Want to be a part of that healing? Forward this email to a Caribbean friend. OR Sow a seed here.
Are you a business owner or corporate leader committed to leading in a way that honors you and others? Book me to run a training or workshop.
P.S. Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours, even if it’s just a two-line email! [email protected].
