I’m stingy when it comes to myself.
There! I said it! Does this make me feel relief that it’s out in the open? Nope!
All it does is make me think about how to get out of that pattern…especially when I realize that it is rooted in my willingness to sacrifice myself and my needs for other people’s happiness and my stewardship of “bigger” things.
Don’t get me wrong. In some cases, it is not a bad thing. However, constantly doing it creates scenarios where I constantly abandon myself and find it hard to release control to God. Hello! Fellow control freaks.
Let me explain.
God is not depriving you, you are…
A few weeks ago, I went to Walmart on a budget.
As I stepped into the aisle, I remembered I had not put my favorite crackers on the list. I immediately hesitated about buying the box of crackers.
Yes, you read that right! I hesitated. In that moment of hesitation, I heard God whisper, “Buy the crackers, Chanel.”
I immediately rationalized: “This is not a necessity. We (my fiancé and I) already agreed on our grocery list and budget. I don’t want to bring it up and change the plan.“
So, I kept my mouth shut. And pushed the thought from my mind. Then, I walked out of that store without the box of crackers because it was not a necessity, and I did not want to have the conversation with my fiancé about adding something else to the list (not that he would have minded).
Now, typically, I would have applauded my restraint and discipline. We made the list, and I stuck to it!
Except, I was also disobedient to what God told me. That’s nothing to celebrate.
The minute I left that store; God started talking to me about that moment.
He showed me the many times I’ve had that “box of crackers” moment because I either trusted myself to be provider more than I trusted Him or I focused on pleasing others at the expense of myself.
Like the times I denied myself food, so I could buy textbooks throughout high school and take some of the weight off my struggling single mom. For years, I’d tell the story of how God provided textbooks for me. Yet, it never connected for me that He would not have wanted His daughter to go hungry just so He could “provide” books. This is the same God who sent birds to feed Elijah at the Brook of Cherith and manna and quail to feed the Israelites in the wilderness (because they wanted meat). The truth is, I made it happen in my own strength and then put the label of “provider” on Him.
My testimony created clashing perspectives of God. On one hand, I said, “He is a provider who met my needs for schoolbooks.” Yet, on the other hand, I declared, “He was a deadbeat dad who let His kid go hungry for days.” If I were God, I would not want the credit under those circumstances.
Another example…is when I’d tell my mom I liked banana porridge because I did not want her to feel bad. I can remember the moment clearly. My mom excitedly made a pot of porridge, but all my siblings hated it at first taste. I watched the light of excitement dim in her eyes and decided I would not be the one to put it out. So, I swallowed the horrible taste, plastered a smile, and declared that I liked it. It kept the smile on her face, but it left an ache in my stomach and a nasty taste in my mouth for hours. I think about it now and realize that I sinned and pleased her in the short term, but at what cost? It would have hurt her more to know I lied and endured something I hated to make her happy, especially when she made it a few more times, thinking I liked it. No parent wants their kid to put themselves in harm’s or pain’s way to make them happy. If I were her, I wouldn’t want that for my child.
Another example: I denied myself, my needs, and my desires on many occasions and opted to put almost every single cent I made into my business and ministry for three years straight as an act of faith. I would have continued to do so if God had not checked me about it. I was ready to “faith it until I made it”, continuing with the mindset from my teenage years that God only provided a little, and I had to use (steward) it to make things happen. I opted to trust myself and how I could make the thing happen, rather than lean on God. I opted to trust myself instead of following His guidance and allowing Him to provide for me.
I was stingy with myself, so I could be generous to others and meet their needs.
I was stingy with myself, so I thought God would be stingy with me.
How to love God and others without depriving yourself
I’m still learning how to love myself and overcome this self-stinginess that causes me to love others and “love God” in a way that dishonors me.
My learning process started with the one instruction God gave me: “Ditch the expectations of everyone around you (including yourself) and listen for and obey My voice.”
This meant walking the path He takes me on every single time He takes me on a journey to ditch the expectations of the world and reclaim even more of my Flamingo pinkness. It’s the model I reference throughout “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”. A model God uses to renew our mind and transform us, so we no longer conform to the beliefs and patterns of the world. He brings harmful beliefs to our awareness and then takes us on a journey to exchange them for the truth He intended for us all along.
Identify your agitator: What is that one-off moment or situation or a recurring problem or situation that triggers you immensely and shows you the limits of your power and authority? You realize that the problem or situation is bigger than you and that it is humanly impossible to fix.
In my case, I was agitated every single time I sacrificed my needs and desires, and yet it felt like the person I sacrificed for did not appreciate the sacrifice or worse was not willing to make similar sacrifices. I denied myself while they opted to splurge or deny themselves nothing.
Identify your behavioural response: The agitator always bears fruit. When you’re walking out of alignment with who God has called you to be, you’ll often have an illegitimate response to the agitator. Sometimes you’ll be aware of it, other times you won’t be, but there is always a response. This behaviour is one that we learn from others around us or create ourselves. But one thing is certain, it is generally perceived as a valid and necessary reaction.
For example, during that Walmart trip, I felt immense annoyance when my fiancé wouldn’t stick to the budget. He got things he wanted or wanted to get me. I, on the other hand, refused to even pick up the box of crackers I wanted because we were on a budget. You can see how those feelings could fester if we didn’t have an open space to talk about it. Additionally, in the moment I feared changing the plan or bringing up how I was feeling about his actions (or rather my lack of action). It felt like I was rocking the boat around a sensitive topic. I feared I’d upset him or that he would love me less (not that he ever gave me any indication that he couldn’t make space for my feelings and thoughts.)
Identify your valid need: The agitator evokes a behavioural response because there is a valid need that we desire to be met. This is a need we may or may not be aware of or be able to articulate well. However, we still try to fulfill it. That means there is a specific need that triggers a behavioural response over and over again.
For example, my valid need stemmed from the need for financial safety and security. To know and see that I am provided for and don’t have to worry about the things that I need running out. I also desired to be a good steward of the resources God entrusted me with. Alongside that, I needed to know that I am loved despite what I can give or not give.
Identify your trauma event and the lie you believed: A valid need does not necessarily mean it’s a healthy God-given need. Some needs are created by the circumstances of life. Though valid, they can be rooted in a faulty belief that was birthed by a traumatic event. The trauma event is the moment that caused you to replace your belief in a truth God gave you with a lie. Remember, as you obey God’s instructions, these things will be revealed to you.
For example, I grew up experiencing the realities of being poor. I grew up seeing and hearing that money is hard-earned. I grew up hearing that money doesn’t grow on trees. I experienced the real-life effects of when money ran out. I saw my mom work herself to the bone and still face embarrassing situations because she could not pay the rent. I went hungry at school some days because we could not afford lunch. The possibility of repeating those realities terrify the shit out of me, even to this day. This created a belief cluster of lies and half-truths that made me stingy with myself (and others for many years).
I became very careful with money out of fear, even as I asked God to enlarge my territory and bless me immensely so I could be a blessing to others. I believed money was hard to come by and could run out at any moment. That fear reigned supreme to the point where I’d silently judge others when I deemed their actions “wasteful”. Where I would give but be counting every penny and worrying about how I will recoup my losses. I’ve even had times when I threatened God, “Lord, I gave. If you don’t show up, Imma do XYZ.”
I also believed that the only person I could trust to provide for me was me. On top of that, I believed that loving another person meant sacrificing my needs for theirs. I grew up seeing my mom sacrifice her needs for her kids over and over again. I grew up hearing that love is sacrifice, that God loved us so much that He gave. And so, as a child looking on, I equated love with self-sacrifice. It was easier to give to others than to give to myself.
Identify and accept God’s truth about the beliefs you have: If you believe a lie, there must be a God-given truth that you were meant to believe. What reassurances has God given you? What does the Bible have to say about the matter? For example, in my situation here are some godly truths I uncovered.
Philippians 4:19 – “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” In fact, I look in scripture and find examples of God’s provision for the people He loves and calls His own. Sometimes that provision happens when it is not even a need. For example, in Numbers 11:31-35, God sent quail to the Israelites in the wilderness to feed them because they wanted meat. As God’s daughter, I needed to believe that He could provide for me.
Matthew. 22:36-39 – “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “’You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. ‘ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” I cannot love my neighbor well until I learn to love myself well.
Ask God to show you your next step and then walk each step to freedom: God doesn’t start you on a path without giving you one or more instructions. When you obey God’s instructions, a journey to deliverance or freedom typically ensues. The process to freedom may look different for each person. God’s instructions are not about logic. It’s about your obedience because you trust Him. Your freedom lies in your willingness to do what God instructed every step of the way. I can just imagine how nonsensical it would have seemed for the widow of Zarephath to use her last bit of flour to make a cake for Elijah in 1 Kings 17:8-16. And yet that’s the instruction that she received. She did not hold back. She obeyed and there was food in her house for her, her son, and the prophet for a long while.
Don’t make the same mistake the Israelites did in Exodus 16:16-26. Whilst in the wilderness, they disregarded God’s instructions about not storing manna overnight. They hoarded what God told them not to hoard and it stank and got maggots. Going against God’s instructions leads to unpleasant results. But, if you remain true to the process, you will reach a destination beyond your wildest imagination. I’m still walking that journey right now. But God’s first instruction to me was to buy the crackers. So that day, by the time we left that parking lot, I mentioned the situation to my fiancé. The next time we went to the store, we bought two types of crackers.
Trusting God’s Provision…
My pink flamingo friend, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot be a good steward and good neighbor from a place of fear. You are dearly loved by your heavenly father who delights in showing up for you. As such, stop denying yourself the things that God hasn’t asked you to deny yourself.
This is not a conversation about what you deserve. It is a conversation about whose you are and the provisions you can trust Him to make for you as His child. You can be a good steward of the resources God blessed you with AND still have the things you desire. You can love others and give generously without constantly sacrificing your needs and desires.
My Pink Flamingo Friend: “Love God. Love YOU. Love your neighbor.” Buy the crackers when He tells you to buy the crackers. Indulge when He tells you to. It does not have to make sense to you, for it to make sense to Him. He loves you and that’s enough.
🛠️Flamingo Resource(s): The Pink Flamingo Way
If you’re trying to trust God’s plan and need inspiration and motivation as you recover from people-pleasing and own who He created you to be with confidence, join me along my journey. Become a pink flamingo by:
Option 1: Grab “In Search of the Pink Flamingo” (get practical godly tactics to being your pink flamingo self, plus every purchase goes towards sending child sexual abuse survivors to therapy). You can also donate to give away copies of the book to child sexual abuse survivors.
Option 2: Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours even if it’s just a two-line email! [email protected].
Option 3: Head over to YouTube to digest all the Flamingo Food I’m learning along my journey.
Option 4: Subscribe to The Pink Flamingo Way’s community list. Then watch for our weekly and monthly emails about the lessons I’m learning as I walk my faith journey, discover my Pink Flamingo self, and learn to trust God’s Plan for me.
Option 5: Donate to further the Pink Flamingo vision and causes.
🤩Things I Am Grateful For (What We’ve Been Up To)
🦩Working on page designs for my new book “Lean In To Your Pink Flamingo“. There is no doubt in my mind that this book will change lives. God changed how I showed up in life emotionally as a recovering people-pleaser so I could pass on the lessons I learned to you and others. You can donate here if you’d like to contribute to bringing it through the final stages of release!
🦩Getting married on February 15, 2025. My husband, Jeremy, and I pulled off a wedding in less than a week and a half. It was a blessing to be reminded of how well-loved I am by God and so many people. We had 70+ people on Zoom and about 10 people in person.
🦩Going for walks with Jeremy and laughing and joking around in the North Carolina cold as we adjust to married life. I love it when God uses nature and the people around me to land the godly cheat sheet lessons He wants to teach me about living on purpose with life-long joy & peace.
🦩Speaking about the Pink Flamingo Way for individuals and business owners on Steve Wright’s podcast. Just a reminder that your flamingo pinkness is needed in this world. God did not create you to be a clone. Check out the episode.
