I stole money for the first time when I was six years old.
I wanted a sweet for weeks but didn’t think asking my mom was an option. We couldn’t afford it. And I did not want to stress her out. So, I did the next best thing.
I made it happen myself.
One day during lunch, I slipped my slender fingers into the bag of my classmate and withdrew a $20 note. I knew where she kept her money because I had watched her put it away a thousand times before I even contemplated stealing from her.
Once the treasure I sought was in my possession, I went out to the school gate and bought the Sour Pop sweet my heart longed for.
Later when my classmate discovered her loss and gave the outcry. I sat muted. The evidence of my deceit sat in my tummy where no one else could discover it.
That’s my earliest memory of being the strong one who didn’t rely on others to make things happen. It’s also the first time my pursuit of money caused me to abandon myself and dishonor someone else. And it wasn’t the last. I became a master at self-sacrificing for money.
After that episode, I cannot remember ever stealing money again but my self- and neighbor-dishonoring methods for getting money and being the strong one became more sophisticated. As I grew older, I adopted the belief that “having a lot of money was the only way to prove I was successful and to avoid the one thing I feared deeply: Going back to poverty.”
What God Taught Me About Enoughness (And How I Fought It)
Before I share more, let’s fast forward to what prompted me to share this now.
In my morning bible study, a few weeks ago, the Lord led me to a story about the Israelites as they walked through the desert after leaving slavery in Egypt. Their complaint? They were tired of not having access to the rich foods of Egypt, including meat.
Can you relate to how they probably felt? Cast your mind back to a season that the Lord delivered you from. What feelings, thoughts and actions did you deal with as you longed for the resources and access that you had in the place the Lord took you from? Let me tell on myself. I threw whole-assed temper tantrums, had anxiety attacks, tried to control my husband’s actions, tried bargaining with God and then felt deep anger and disappointment when He didn’t play ball.
Now let’s go back to the Israelites. The story goes on to say that God sent them manna for food daily. He even sent them meat in the form of quail. But the thing that struck me was God’s instructions to them and the outcome in Exodus 16:16-18:
These are the Lord’s instructions: Each household should gather as much as it needs. Pick up two quarts for each person in your tent.”
So, the people of Israel did as they were told. Some gathered a lot, some only a little. But when they measured it out, everyone had just enough. Those who gathered a lot had nothing left over, and those who gathered only a little had enough. Each family had just what it needed.
I read that passage over and over again. My focus locked in on how God told each household to gather what was enough for them. And the ‘enough’ God prescribed was just enough for them. My mind cast back to something a friend had told me weeks before, “God’s word said He will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory. If you’ve been obedient to God and you have a ‘need’ but there hasn’t been any provision, maybe it’s not a need.”
My pink flamingo friend, God’s word does not lie. He provides enough no matter where He places you. But that’s not where this post is going…
The Shame “the Strong One” Carries About Not Making Enough
As I contemplated God’s provision of enoughness for the Israelites, I heard the Lord state matter-of-factly: “It’s time you release your shame around not making enough money in this season.”
I knew exactly what He was talking about. Just days ago, I had told Jeremy that I felt shame and guilt around my level of income. I didn’t feel like I was contributing enough or worthy of being called a business owner. I wasn’t making the type of money I used to make.
You see, a year ago the Lord told me that He was closing the door on my ability to earn significantly for however long it took me to learn the lessons I needed to learn in this season. While the Lord provided enough for our daily needs every single day, when that year started, I spasmed out.
I believed to the depths of my heart that not making money would be the end of me. I needed to be earning money to survive. If I wasn’t making money, I was going to go back into poverty.
For weeks, my fervent prayer was, “God, I believe You can send me money.” And when He did not answer, the disappointment and anger towards God rolled in. I knew I couldn’t trust You with this. When it comes to money, I can only rely on myself. Those thoughts drove me into anxious disobedience. I tried all the things to get my revenue flowing again. Nothing worked. But a lot of what was in me all this time came to the forefront. The big one: I only trusted God with things that were not money related.
One day, God finally responded. “Do not ask Me for money. You don’t need money, you need provision. When you ask Me for money, your perception of what I can do and how I can do it remains limited. Money is just one resource I can use.”
I’ve since come to see and understand what God meant. I experienced God’s provision in some of the most mind-blowing ways within the last year. But the shame of not earning “enough” money lingered.
What It Looks Like to Trust God Instead of Money
That’s what the Lord uprooted that morning during my bible study as few weeks ago as I read Exodus.
As I contemplated His initial statement about shame, He continued in that matter-of-fact voice.
“You bought into the lie that you have to have a lot of money to be successful and fulfill purpose. That’s not true. Jesus was not wealthy, yet He fulfilled His mission and continues to impact lives today. The disciples were not wealthy, and they too fulfilled their mission. Think about your mentor. He is not wealthy and he is someone in whom I am well-pleased. He has impacted more lives than he will ever know. They are not wealthy, and I made provisions for them to do the work I called them to do. I do the same with you.”
My mind flashed to the many times in the last year that He had told me, “Well done.” I thought about the people I’ve been honored to have impacted just in the last year. Something eased in my chest. He is correct, I have done well, even with the minimal financial resources at my disposal.
Not only that, this year stretched me in ways I never knew I needed. God did supply all my needs according to His riches in glory. This was the season where I finally learned how to:
- Receive from God, myself and others. Not from fear or guilt. Not with a tit-for-tat mindset. Not with a worry and guilt that “I’ll owe them” or “I can’t repay them.” But truly as God’s Daughter for whom He loves to provide. As someone who is loved by others who care about me and delight in giving to me.
- Trust God with my financial affairs. Under His guidance, I no longer trusted in money and my strength more than I trusted God. Under God’s directions, we learned to steward our money better. Despite the cap on my income, God blessed us to give away more than I’ve ever given away in one year in ways that thoroughly blessed us. I’ll tell you, that was probably my favourite part of our year. And no, we did not do it at the expense of ourselves. We gave without screwing up our personal finances.
- See God as my Father who loves me and desires to provide for me. I’m more firmly rooted in my identity as His beloved Daughter. He loves me enough to correct the course I was on with money. It was a course I had given so much of my pinkness to. My two burnouts in corporate happened because of me chasing what too many people label as financial success.
- Express my wants and desires. I moved beyond just asking God for my needs. I asked Him for my wants and desires too. In fact, He encouraged me to do it. He delighted in providing things I wanted before I could even ask for it or think to ask for it. God isn’t just concerned about my needs. He cares about my wants and desires too.
- Eradicated another layer of my “strong one” mask: I let go of things that were never mine to carry. I came face to face with many of the emotions and pains that I did not realize I was still carrying. I ugly cried as my husband held me more times than I could count. I raged at many parts of my story that had felt unfair for so long. They shaped my ability to survive. Then I found peace and stepped forward pinker and more fully myself.
As I reflected on the evidence of my year, I only had one conclusion: God was right (is He ever not right?). I not only thrived during this year, I became the person who had anchored into the identity of who He says I am. I also built the emotional and relational capacity to hold that identity even more.
My bank account may not be where I desire it to be yet…but this year was far from a bust. In the words of God to me, “this has been my most fruitful year ever.” I have nothing to be ashamed about, especially not when it comes to money.
Your Turn: Are You Believing the Same Lie I Did?
What about you, my pink flamingo friend? I felt an urgency to share this story with you today. Do you believe God is right?
Have there been times when you’ve sacrificed yourself for money? Have there been times when you believed that the measure of your success lies in how much money you have instead of in God’s stamp of approval for the work you’ve done? Do you carry the heavy weight of shame about where you are financially – beating yourself up about where you should be? Wondering: Am I a bad person if I don’t provide? How do I stop feeling guilty for asking for help? I feel like a burden to others.
Do you think you’re small and inadequate when you compare where you are to others… though God provided for your needs as you obey Him? Do you feel hopeless when you consider your dreams and desires and how far you are from them?
My pink flamingo friend, I see you and I want to tell you: God says, “well done!”
I hope my story inspires you to stop believing the lie you’ve been sold. I sure wish someone had told me this at six years old. Perhaps, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my life sacrificing myself and my desires to accumulate money. Hopefully, I wouldn’t have bought into the “money is magic” lie where I burned out and worked myself to the bone because I believed having money is the measure of my success. Because I believed that “as long as I have money, I am good.”
It is time to stop self-sacrificing for money. To stop putting your trust in money and your own strength instead of God. To stop believing that if you don’t have a lot of money, you aren’t worth as much. To stop thinking that having a lot of money is the only sign that God is pleased with you and that He’s blessed you.
Money is not the only tool in God’s toolkit. Just check Elijah who did God’s work. God sent a freaking raven with food. And when that season was over, God sent Elijah to the widow of Zarephath who gave her last and yet the food did not run out.
Money is a wonderful tool. But it’s not the only tool in God’s toolkit. You are loved, worthy and fruitful with or without huge amounts of money.
Remember that.
🦩Your Roadmap Out: A Dare to Stop Tying Self-Worth and Strength to Income
Your Pink Flamingo Dare: Write down three ways God provided for you this month that had nothing to do with money and required zero self-reliance. Be specific. Let yourself see His toolkit is bigger than your bank account. And bigger than your ability to make things happen yourself.
Want more dares like this? Subscribe to the Pink Flamingo Dares.
Are you done being the strong one who pours into others at the expense of yourself, but you don’t yet know how to live as the person who loves yourself AND others in everyday moments and relationships? Fly into the Pink Flamingo Club. We are all about equipping you with practical tools to love yourself and others as your truest “pink flamingo” self in the everyday moments.
🦩Your Other Paths To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
Want to support our work? Our mission is to help Caribbean families and communities heal from the psychological wounds of slavery and people-pleasing patterns passed down through generations. Want to be a part of that healing? Forward this email to a Caribbean friend. OR Sow a seed here.
Are you an organization leader who is committed to equipping your team or leaders to serve without depleting themselves until they burnout, quiet quit or resign? Shoot me an email at [email protected] to find out more about booking me for trainings or workshops.
P.S. Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours, even if it’s just a two-line email! [email protected].
