“Well Done!”

Recently, the Lord reminded me of one of my biggest addictions and idols: Hearing “Well done!” from others.

I used to work desperately to hear those words from my peers, ministry leaders, mom, siblings, mentors, you name it. I needed to fit in. To feel like I belonged. To be affirmed and approved. To know that I had done well. That I had met their standard of success for me.

I needed those words so badly that I’d take it as a personal insult if I did the work and didn’t hear some variation of “Well done, Chanel!” or see their approval of my performance exhibited in their actions.

Disappointing them or failing affected me deeply. I was destroyed by the thought of their disapproval, of their disappointment. Of me failing to meet the standard they had for me. When those moments happened, I’d shift into anxiety overdrive. I’d overthink and run through thousands of scenarios on how to fix things. I’d do everything I could to fix the boat I broke. And if I failed to meet their standard…the one I now used to measure my success. I took it personally. I made it about me. I’d mentally beat myself bloody. “I am a failure”, “I am not good enough.”

I could not bear to try again so I’d hide or procrastinate. And if I did try again, I would become a control freak and perfectionist. I dotted every “I”. I crossed every “T”. I followed the rules closely. No coloring outside the lines. Failure was worse than death… as evidenced by me burning out twice and almost losing my life.

That’s the story of how I became timid.

That’s how I ended up chasing degrees and certifications I didn’t need. That’s how I ended up in a well-paying job that I was damned good at but that left me empty. That’s how I ended up tiptoeing in my relationships and afraid to rock the boat.

That’s how I ended up being the girl with the wide white smile and a secret longing to be seen. Empty. Dissatisfied. Lonely. In a constant search for what’s next. For purpose.

She had the “success” but lacked the essence of the girl of my youth. The girl who monkeyed up trees and vaulted into gullies. Who built and raced box trucks and tires down the countryside with the best of them. Who could bat and take wickets with the best of the boys. Who spoke her mind and was unafraid to rock the boat.

She is the girl I’ve been having a ball rediscovering. The girl who laughs from her soul, delights in the world’s wonders and allows her pinkness to permeate the woman she became and the world around her.

But this reflection is not about her.

It’s about me. It’s about you. It’s about us. It’s about our need for approval. Our need for affirmation. Where did it come from?

A few days ago, I listened to a sermon titled “What To Do When You’re Empty” by Pastor Charles Metcalf. He said something that knocked me for six.

“The reason every human soul is so empty, the reason we are all so desperate for recognition and affirmation is because you were created to hear seven words from one person… When you were knit together that hole that feels like I need to be acknowledged was meant to be filled by these seven words, “well done my good and faithful servant.” That’s why that hole on the inside of you is so big because you were knit together in your mother’s womb, created by God to hear those words from Him.”

A lightbulb went off in my head. It explained why things changed for me when I stopped making the world’s measure of success my own. When I stopped letting everyone around me dictate what my success looked like. How my potential should be used. Who I should be. How I should do things.

Instead, I asked questions of my Creator, “Who am I? What was I made to do? What should I do today?”
Each time He gave me more insights, I asked for the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to do it or be her. I obeyed (sometimes after complaining and arguing bitterly – I don’t always want to do it.)

That’s when things changed for me.

That’s when it got easier to tap into the fruit of the Spirit like peace and joy. That’s when I stopped feeling like I was wandering. Stopped battling constant anxiety and overthinking.

That’s when I found myself doing things I never thought possible… like delighting in God’s presence, savoring stillness and my presence, starting a business and philanthropic movement, writing books, moving to a whole different country, forgiving others and mending relationships, etc.

My life transformed from the inside out when I started seeking God’s measure of success for me. I tapped into the secret of 1 Thessalonians 2:4 (AMP):

But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel [that tells the good news of salvation through faith in Christ], so we speak, not as [if we were trying] to please people [to gain power and popularity], but to please God who examines our hearts [expecting our best].

I quit trying to please man and myself. I focused on learning my Creator’s will for me and obeying (pleasing) Him. I am learning to model Jesus who rebuked His disciples when they tried to talk Him out of God’s plan for His life. I learning to emulate Jesus who stated His desires for the crucifixion cup to be passed from Him before ending His fervent prayer with, “Your Will, not mine be done”.

I am learning and it is changing me from the inside out.

The more I learn and obey God’s will for me, the more I see Him. The more I see Him, the more I see myself. The more I see myself, the more I see my neighbors (you – God’s sons and daughters – my siblings). The more I see them, the more I embrace the truth that God has a better plan for me than anyone could imagine. A plan that demonstrates His love and grace for us, His children.

And so, I cannot seek approval from others who may not understand what He is doing and how He is doing it. I have to focus on learning God’s version of success for me. That’s the only way for me to see His Plan come to fruition in a way that honors everyone involved. Over time, I started modeling King Solomon’s plea:

I acknowledge that I do not know what I am doing and ask Him to give me the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to steward the gifts and the role (s) and people He assigned me to steward in this season. I am not perfect and many days I trip up. But I am grateful He is there to guide and cheer me on.

It feels so much easier (and sometimes a bit stressful) when I rest in that assurance of His and partner with Him to achieve His exceeding abundant version of success for me and the people connected to me.

The Point? I assure you there is one… 🙂

You are the child of a Father who loves and delights in you. The satisfaction that comes from hearing His “well done!” outweighs hearing it from anyone else. God is so so proud of you daily. You are the child He seeks to guide into everything He has for you.

So stop the hustling to figure it all out yourself. Stop copying or looking for direction from everyone else. Look to Him to discover what His version of success for your life looks like. Then obey the steps He asks you to take. It’s scary to release control but it is and will be worth it in ways you (and no one) could ever imagine. I’m cheering for you, my Pink Flamingo friend!