There is a particular kind of sting that happens when the person who once praised you and spoke your name with gratitude now speaks it with suspicion. When someone assumes the worst about you, they once walked with you and said they respected you. The one who said, “Your integrity is rare,” now questions your motives. The one who sought your counsel now questions your character and tears you down privately/publicly.
It doesn’t matter if it happens in your marriage, business, job, friendships, or with your kids. Whenever it happens, you sit there, heart pounding, replaying every interaction like security footage in your mind. “What did I do to be treated this way? What did I miss? What shifted? How did we get here? What can I do to make sure this never happens again?”
My pink flamingo friend, this is where many men and women who love people quietly fracture…especially recovering people-pleasers.
When honour from man flips the card to “betrayal”. When the intent behind your actions is misunderstood. When you shift from being celebrated and approved to being condemned by someone who walked with you and should know you and what you’re about. When the evidence stares you straight in the eyes, seeming to declare the truth you already knew, “This isn’t fair! People cannot be trusted! They are bound to disappoint you or let you down.”
It hurts even when you intellectually know that this isn’t about you. It’s about something going on within them, it’s some immaturity in them that’s causing them to react in some way. It hurts to be in that place. Especially when you consider there’s nothing you can do to stop this from happening again (unless you isolate yourself from all people – which misaligns with what God declared in Genesis: “it is not good for man to be alone.”
But even in this, I encourage you to take heart. You’re in good company. Jesus went first with two of His disciples – Peter and Judas. And, He taught us three truths for handling the flip so you’re equipped to navigate those moments with calm, clarity and confidence.
🦩1) Jesus had God’s perspective on the betrayal matter.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose” – Romans 8:28.
Jesus understood that when God is working on His behalf, there is a reason God allowed the betrayal to happen. He understood that betrayal is an invitation for stewardship of Himself and the other person.
And no, that stewardship doesn’t always look like shutting the person out, using the betrayal to strengthen false beliefs like ‘you can’t trust people’ or going into fix-people-mode because they’re the problem.
With Judas, Jesus understood that the betrayal would be leveraged to bring about God’s plan for humanity. Judas’ betrayal led to Jesus dying on the cross and fulfilling God’s plan for redemption. Today, you and I have life and have it more abundantly because one man chose to betray a friend he walked closely with for three years. Don’t miss God’s perspective of the betrayal.
With Peter, Jesus saw where Peter was weak where Peter thought he was strong. When Jesus told him of his fate, Peter loudly told Jesus that he was wrong! He’d never deny Him. And then the moment of truth came. Peter stands alone in a crowd that tries to associate him with Jesus to probably punish him. He denied Jesus, not once, but three times due to fear of what others would do to him. Can you imagine what would have happened if Peter hadn’t uncovered that blind spot? His denial of Jesus opened the door for him to see himself and unearth an area where he was weak but didn’t know it. He goes on to do great things for the gospel and becomes someone who never denies Jesus ever again, even when faced with severe persecution and punishment. Don’t miss God’s perspective of the betrayal.
For me, “betrayal” showed me areas where my need for approval and fear of abandonment and rejection reigned supreme. As someone called to equip people to love others without losing themselves, there were behaviours that would have derailed my pink flamingo self (who God called me to be). Don’t miss God’s perspective of the betrayal.
For example: I built a barricade around my heart where people had to prove they loved me and were worthy to enter. If they did somehow make their way into my heart, I would hold onto them for dear life, doing anything possible to keep them close. There was a time when if you had my heart, you also had my voice. And God help you, if you screwed up, you’d be booted from my life and never be allowed to enter my heart ever again. Additionally, there were areas where I was deeply concerned about people maintaining a pure unblemished perspective of me. I’d spiral emotionally when someone misunderstood my intent, especially if they were close to me. I struggled with the thought that I’d seem like a fraud if my actions were misinterpreted as me being out of alignment with my mission. If that happened with one person, can you imagine what would happen when I’m misunderstood by millions? Don’t miss God’s perspective of the betrayal.
My pink flamingo friend, my point is this: Don’t get so focused on what the person who betrayed you did that you miss God’s perspective on the matter. Clear your emotional and belief field so your emotional turmoil about the situation doesn’t cause you to overlook one fact: “If God allowed it to happen, there is good in the flip for you. There is something God wants to use this betrayal to do in you and through you.”
Clearing your emotional and belief field touches two layers that, if you’re not mindful, can keep you stuck. You may need to allow yourself to feel the pain without trying to shut it down or short circuit it or prevent the pain from happening. Some things hurt. That’s OK. Then, you need to ensure you move beyond the pain and the grief.
This is where you ask yourself and God: What is there for me in the betrayal? What is God doing here? You’ll miss it if you’re not anchored in your God-given identity or have the emotional capacity to handle the flip.
🦩2) Jesus didn’t take the betrayal personally.
Jesus didn’t internalize Peter and Judas’ actions and let them mean something was wrong with Him. Based on His actions towards them before and after the betrayal, it doesn’t seem like their actions resulted in Him questioning his worth or mission. It doesn’t seem like He went into overthinking mode, wondering “what could I have done better? I must have done something wrong for them to treat me this way!”.
He understood that that betrayal is a revelation about Peter and Judas’ perspectives and needs. People often react to situations through the grid of their own history. Their disappointments and triggers. Their wounds, fears and unhealed places. When something you do brushes up against that tender bruise, they may not see you. They see who hurt them before, and they see their past experiences.
It is posited that Judas betrayed Jesus because of greed and financial gain. He was paid 30 pieces of silver to betray his friend, and he took it. Not only that, Judas Iscariot publicly objected to Jesus regarding money in John 12:4-6, just days before the Passover, when Mary of Bethany anointed Jesus’ feet with expensive oil. Judas argued that the oil should have been sold for 300 denarii (a year’s wages) and given to the poor, motivated by greed as he managed the group’s funds.
We may not like to admit it, but each of us is like Judas. Each of us has something that “money” represents – it’s the physical or psychological thing that would make us betray our loved ones in a heartbeat. For Peter, that thing was his fear of what others would do to him because of his association with a man who did not have favour with the rulers of that time. He stood alone, and he panicked. For me, for years, that thing used to be my fear of being disappointed, abandoned, rejected and let down by people I love. That fear kept me energetic but guarded and aloof to the point where I’d be surrounded by people, but no one got over the walls I erected or beyond the surface of the relationship. Although I longed for deeper, intimate relationships, I struggled to get beyond all the reasons I felt my mistrust of people was valid.
Whatever that thing is for them, it has nothing to do with you or your character. They lizard-brain into their defaults when they get triggered, and it’s game over. We see this after Judas betrayal and Peter’s denial. Matthew 27:4 tells us that Judas returned the money and made one statement: “I have sinned, for I have betrayed innocent blood.” Luke 22:54-62 tells us that after the cock crowed, Peter remembered Jesus’ words, saw his actions, “And he went out and wept bitterly.” Both knew after the act that they’d wronged Jesus.
Not everyone will have that moment of awareness when they assume the worst about you, but rest assured, many times, their actions are not about you.
🦩3) Jesus didn’t let the betrayal harden His heart
This one is gonna feel like a gut punch if your default is to cut people off or shut people out the minute they betray you, because that’s how you show love to yourself and protect your space. I gently and lovingly call bullshit! That default move may be one of the most unloving things you ever do to yourself, especially if you’re scared to invest deeply into relationships because “people can’t be trusted, they’ll leave (abandon or reject you), or they’ll do things to hurt you, even when you don’t deserve it.”
Jesus knew about Judas’ betrayal and Peter’s denial beforehand. He told them what they were about to do AFTER He washed their feet and broke bread with them. Check this! I believe He knew about the betrayal BEFORE He did all that! Yet, He did not treat them differently.
Not only that, after Peter denied Him, Jesus still made space for Peter. He did not change His character or standard of being because Peter ‘went low’. He didn’t shut down and say “people can’t be trusted. They can’t be trusted.” He didn’t say, “they’re adults and should know better.” He did not let the betrayal result in Him rewriting His values. He did not yield to the temptation to become someone else in the process. To harden. To withdraw. To withhold. To match accusation with cold distance. To quietly decide, “I will never pour like that into that person ever again. They’ll never have another chance to hurt me like that.”
Instead, He got God’s perspective on the matter. He aligned with God’s vision for the relationship. He saw the broken people before Him and addressed their need and them in a way that honoured Him AND them. In fact, after Peter’s denial, Jesus went back to him and issued an invitation that healed him of shame. Jesus repeated himself thrice in John 21:15-17 to the point where Peter was offended. But that invitation set Peter on a path to being a champion for the gospel – one who eventually dies for the very person and mission he denied. Jesus saw the broken man, and He saw the man God called Peter to be, and with the words “Feed my sheep”, He called Peter to a higher standard and changed the course of his life.
Let me be clear here: not letting betrayal harden your heart is not about becoming a doormat. It does not mean you absorb false narratives, allow slander or forfeit boundaries. It means you pause to clear your emotional and belief field so you can see the situation at hand from God’s perspective. So you can see the person before you through God’s eyes. So, instead of reacting from a place of hurt and self-protection, you respond from a place that forwards Heaven’s agenda of the situation for you AND that person.
That place of response will never require you to become smaller, harsher, or more guarded than your Pink Flamingo self. Sometimes the answer will be have the courageous conversation. Sometimes it will be continued grace with new boundaries. Sometimes, that will look like releasing that relationship, and that’s okay, as long as you’re not holding on to anger, hurt and sadness about the betrayal. One day, like with Peter, God may tell you to circle back to that person, and your heart needs to be ready.
And that is where stewardship of yourself AND the person becomes even more sacred. Are you ready…or will the sting of the betrayal keep you in its grip?
Responding when someone assumes the worst about you…
You cannot control how someone interprets you or what they assume about you, but you can control whether you stay anchored in who you are. You can love yourself AND others without contorting.
Take a page out of Jesus’ book:
- Get God’s perspective on the matter
- Don’t take the betrayal personally
- Don’t let the betrayal harden your heart.
Looking for a safe space and practical tools to put these strategies into practice? In the Pink Flamingo University, we have tools like the Conflict Navigation Framework that equip you to clear your emotional and belief field and choose your God-aligned response so you stop feeling wrecked emotionally in everyday relational moments like these.
Ready to stop feeling emotionally wrecked when someone who says they respect you assumes the worst of you in an everyday situation? Ready to confidently and calmly handle situations like these now and in the future without shutting down, losing yourself emotionally for days or questioning your worth and values?
The Pink Flamingo University is the space to build your muscles. And no, we don’t believe that armouring up and shutting down should be your default. Bring your latest betrayal to the FREE February 19th Flamboyance and let’s uncover your God-aligned step to take in that situation. You get equipped to confidently and calmly handle these situations now and in the future as your truest God-aligned self. Apply here: https://club.findyourpinkflamingo.com/
With pink flamingo love,
Chañel
P.S. Here are some tools and strategies to foster self-trust as a recovering people-pleaser
Enjoy reading? Read my first book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo – Ditch the Expectations of Others, Own Your Voice, and Be Your Unusual Self
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Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
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