Today marks the anniversary of a very defining moment in my life. June 20, 2020, I experienced a moment where I felt like everything I had hoped for and trusted God with fell part. I was left with nothing but a broken heart and roaring mind after someone I loved and trusted hurt me deeply.
It’s a moment that no longer brings me pain, nor have I thought about it in ages. However, Facebook reminded me of a post I wrote about The Story I’ll Tell about this moment, and so I’d like to share that story with you. You see, I understand how it feels to start dreaming of what God promised you. I know how it feels to take the scary step to trust in something and someone, and it does not work out. I know how it feels to seek God’s direction and try to follow the path, only for everything to fall apart.
On June 20, 2020, I looked around me and recognized nothing. I couldn’t stop the roaring in my ears and the ache in my heart as I listened to someone I cared deeply for confess that they may care for another. After that conversation, I finally understood what it meant to have a broken heart. It hits differently as an adult.
The persistent ache in my chest made me wonder if I was on the verge of a heart attack. I wasn’t. But in that moment, I would have happily welcomed the dark oblivion a heart attack offered. I cried the whole day. Slept, only to wake and cry again. A total anomaly for me…the lighthearted girl with the big smile. Later that night, in a desperate attempt to still the roaring in my head and constant ache in my heart, I called my friend to cheer me up. Only that didn’t help. 5 minutes into our conversation, I was a blubbering mess once again. I sat on my bedroom floor and cried my eyes out as my poor friend listened, angry, frightened, and unsure what to do to alleviate my pain.
I deeply wanted to believe that God’s hand was in that moment. That’s why I sang the song “The Story I’ll Tell” so desperately that day. I deeply wanted to believe that I could get through it. I deeply wanted to have faith and look beyond what I saw in that moment. But I couldn’t. Everything in me ached. Everything in me and around me felt chaotic. And for a long time, I resented that God saw it fit to take me along that route. It got so bad that I could no longer pray. And when I showed up to talk to God, I was there but not there. I couldn’t bear to sit with Him for too long. I encouraged others but had no clue how to encourage myself. I showed up for others, but on the inside, I was a dark depressed mess.
I don’t remember when things started to change for me, but at some point, it did. I don’t remember when I stopped pointing fingers and got curious, but at some point, I did. That’s when I discovered a mind-boggling truth: I had been a high-functioning people-pleaser for most of my life. That June 20, 2020, moment didn’t just happen. My people-pleasing tendencies created ripple patterns in my life. All the choices I made with others including the person I cared deeply for led me to it.
Now, let me make this caveat. This is not to say that it was okay for anyone to hurt you deeply. That is not okay. But what was far from okay was how I constantly put myself in situations to be hurt, undervalued, and mistreated because I bent over backward to please others and keep the people around me happy…. often at my own expense. I couldn’t wholeheartedly be myself or speak my truth without fearing I would be abandoned or rejected. “I was the enemy who held me captive and in a constant state of broken-heartedness.” – Isaiah 61:1. And that was what God could not allow.
I deserved better from others. EVEN MORESO I DESERVED BETTER FROM ME. Better starts with me.
That was a hard pill to swallow. But I needed to swallow it if things were to change forever for me. I chose to swallow and haven’t looked back since. God gave me a transformation I needed, but didn’t know I needed. I embraced the Cardinal Rules of Love. I discovered God’s heart and love for me, and out of that, I learned to see and love myself differently. Naturally, it transformed the way I love and interact with others. I learned to serve others while honoring myself and who God called me to be.
So the story I have to tell? Better started with me.
In a moment when I felt I had been broken beyond repair and that my heart had been shattered into a million pieces…I was broken down to be rebuilt the way I was meant to be built.
I’m not gonna lie and tell you that it was an easy journey. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’ve had many relapses that left me mad at myself. I’ve gone through cycles that frustrated the heck out of me. I have been called difficult, unfair, and selfish by people I thought would be happy to see me holding my boundaries and stepping fully into who I was meant to be.
But it has also been a rewarding journey. I don’t love me like I used to. I love me way more. And because of that I show up differently. I love and interact with people differently. I laugh and sing from my soul. I move to the rhythm of a beat I didn’t know existed. I feel free and at ease in my own skin. I interact with people with confidence and vulnerability. I’m secured in who I am. And because of that, I’ve done stuff I never thought possible…like share vulnerably in my upcoming book “In Search of the Pink Flamingo“.
My friend, it feels messy and hard, but know one thing: better starts with you.
The Point? I assure you there is one… 🙂
3 Responses
Interesting Read. I have experiences I have learnt to that I want share:
1) Humbly speaking, it’s so important for us Christians to ask God for wisdom.
When God gives us a promise or reveals a plan for our lives, it shouldn’t be broadcasted when it hasn’t been made manifest. The testimony could likely be a narration of how it failed or the unnecessary hurdles self-inflicted to reach the expected end. We must know when to speak and when to be still in silence.
2) There is so much happening around us, everyone is going through a battle seen or unseen, physically or spiritually. We must always pray for patience, understanding and the hand of God for direction. Our prayers shouldn’t always be for ourselves, but for others, our testimonies shouldn’t always resolve about another interest that involves God, yet at the same times robs God of his glory and the overflow of edification we can bring to others by ourselves decreasing.
3) 1 Cor 13:4-8 is quoted so many times to prove a point, yet the definition of love in the passage testifies against us. Imagine if Christ opened a dairy on the cross, with dates and times of our faults, and relinquished the plan because of the faults seen. Surely, we would have already been eternally separated from God. I thank God that standard wasn’t used, he keeps no record of our wrongs, God is love.
4) A married person once told me, that “love” doesn’t keep a marriage or keep persons together. In my foolishness at that time, I said to myself “what a pack of rubbish, where did she come up with this”. But over the few years, I have understood what she was saying, it wasn’t that love wasn’t an element, as in the typical, mind and body attraction, hormones etc., but it was that Christ is the cornerstone of keeping two persons together, he is the foundation.
And my perspective would have changed based on the marriages I have personally seen failed, where people who were “in love” since in high school, for decades etc., and it all came crumbling done with resentment on both ends. That’s the thing about the heart of man, it can be very deceiving, one month you can be deeply involved because emotions ran high, the atmosphere for the season is perfect, the vacation sunset is perfect, but as soon as the storm comes, bad memories and faults are remembered and amplified, a pinch of unrealized bitterness is infused, and we are gone with the wind. So, what’s the point, humans are not capable of holding relationships that are meant to last, only in Christ the bond can be formed and kept.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences.