Peals of laughter ran throughout the classroom.
To my sensitive ears and heart, they sounded mean. This was not the approval that the desert of my heart needed to water it. The laughter ran on one broken track record, “You are an idiot. You are not enough.”
The sounds demolished the satisfaction I’d felt moments earlier at my triumph. I’d written and directed a play that everyone seemed to love. They laughed with me. I was a part of a pack, and they loved my contribution. I was on cloud nine. I was excellent at this.
And then I spoke Jamaican patois. The tone of the laughter changed instantly.
They say, “pride comes before a fall”. My bruised heart understood that now perfectly. The moments before had pushed me all the way up on a high seat. I became Miss Thomas’ puss, who was about to get killed by a fall from an extremely high seat. The first round of laughter was the push I didn’t see coming. I hit the ground hard. My ego, pride, and self-worth splattered. Declared dead on impact.
The Moment Perfection Became My Prison
The euphoria of my triumph moments before vanished. No need for life support. Embarrassment and shame of not being enough took its place. Now they laughed at me. I was no longer a part of the pack. I wasn’t good enough. My fourteen-year-old year drummed that belief into my head again and again. It imprinted when I looked over at my favorite teacher of all time. She laughed, too.
I sentenced myself to life.
My crime:
I dared to clumsily speak the patois of my Jamaican homeland. As a kid who was reading from the age of 4, I found patois hard to speak, but I was still willing to try until that moment in my English Language class. I learned that any attempt to try something you are not good at is met with ridicule and harsh judgement. “You are stupid. You are a fool. Anything less than perfection deserves laughter and judgement.”
How Fear of Judgment Became My Jailer
My punishment:
My bruised heart could not bear the sounds of rejection. I never wanted to feel that way again. I never wanted to hear those words spoken aloud or implied ever again.
My mind already did a great job at replaying them like a scratched record way too often. That was enough when coupled with the mean laughter and mantra of judgement in my head on repeat whenever someone called me “idiot.” Everything within me got tense and anxious whenever someone labeled my efforts as “stupid.” There was more evidence that I wasn’t enough.
I stopped trying new things and showing my work until it was “perfect.” Until I was certain there was no room for failure or ridicule. The thought that someone would find what I do foolish or not valuable struck fear in my heart. So, I armored up. The thought of exposing my weakness to the pack and being cast out again struck the fear of man straight to the core of my heart. I could not deal with it. No one could see that I wasn’t enough.
Why Scripture Equates Words With Murder
Those were the motivations that drove all my actions until my early 30s. That’s why when I read St. Matthew 5:21-22 recently, it struck a deep chord.
“You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’ But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.”
The Hidden Cost of Calling Yourself and Others Stupid
When I reflect on my experience, it makes sense why Jesus classified murdering someone and calling someone an “idiot” in the same bracket. Both are unloving acts that require judgement because they kill someone.
Life and death are in the power of our tongue. The tongue has the power to kill (murder) others. And when we call someone an idiot, we take killing shots at someone’s sense of identity (what I call their pink flamingo self). Sometimes that shot is a killing shot. Sometimes that shot opens a wound that cripples them and their potential for generations to come.
Let me be clear here. When I say someone: that someone can be you or another person. Sometimes we don’t need other people to call us “stupid”. We experienced it once then we internalize the label and bully ourselves every single chance we get “you’re stupid”.
That’s what happened to me. It started with others calling me stupid, implying I’m an idiot and ridiculing my attempts. Then I internalized it and called myself “stupid” every single time I messed up or didn’t live up to the standard of others. For years that was the battle I faced internally.
You understand better now why Jesus says you should be brought before the court for that vile act of the tongue?
Even in jest, those words have the power to bring death. To murder identities. To strip people of their belief in their God-given identity. To subject them to prisons where they battle issues around low self-worth for eternity. Always trying to please others.
Always wondering if you are enough.
Always feeling like you aren’t enough.
Always feeling like a failure.
Always being afraid to try something new.
Always finding comfort in perfectionism.
Always finding comfort in playing it safe by trying to meet the expectations of others.
Always quitting the moment things feel unsafe or someone disapproves.
Losing your truest self in the process.
When the Lie Tries to Come Back
And even when you start healing from self-sacrifice and you’re freed from that prison by the grace of God…
Even when you’re affirmed in who you are – your pink flamingo self – the words still linger, looking for a moment of weakness to bubble back to the surface and test your resolve.
That’s what happened to me. Someone paused their work with me and the first thing that my mind latched on was their comparative use of the words “not as valuable as X right now”.
I observed as echoes of the laughter at my fourteen-year-old-self bubbled to the surface. And with it came the “see, this is why you shouldn’t have tried. Who told you that what you’re doing is valuable? You are not enough.”
In the blink of an eye, my mind took someone’s personal decision about a service and turned into something about my identity. Had I not known who I am and had practice with identifying that lie and replacing it with truth, I would have stopped doing the work I’m doing and crippled any further efforts with procrastination and perfectionism because ”trying isn’t safe.”
How to Love Yourself and Others With Your Words
So, what can you do?
Love your neighbor as yourself.
I encourage my pink flamingos to mind their words. To themselves and others. Break the habit of calling yourself and others “idiots”, even in jest. Remember that you and the people around you are sons and daughters of the Most High God whose worth is separate from your actions. Use your tongue to speak life instead of death.
And if you are battling self-worth issues from being called an idiot all your life? It is time to break the belief that you are stupid. Someone calling something stupid doesn’t make you stupid. It is time to dream again and dream bigger that have laid dormant on your heart due to your fear of what others would think.
Think about it. The average man releases between 150 and 300 million sperm in a single ejaculation. Out of those millions of sperm, the sperm that made you made it. You were created by a Heavenly Father who calls you His own and thinks you are valuable and necessary to this world. You are valuable to this world. You are not an idiot. You are not stupid. It is time to see the evidence of that fact all around you. What you have within you is too valuable to never see the light of day, even if others think it is “stupid”.
🦩Your Roadmap Out: Two Dares to Reclaim Your Voice
Your Pink Flamingo Dares:
- Today, name two things that you did that was excellent. Congratulate yourself verbally for it.
- This week, do one thing you’ve been hesitating about doing because it feels stupid.
Want more dares like this? Subscribe to the Pink Flamingo Dares.
And when you are ready for community, practical life tools and mentorship, fly into the Pink Flamingo Club. We are all about equipping you with practical tools to love yourself and others as your truest “pink flamingo” self in the everyday moments.
🦩Your Other Paths To Pink Flamingo Food
Enjoy reading? Read my book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo”, my journey to discovering how God sees and loves me and choosing to walk that path.
Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
Want to support our work? Our mission is to help Caribbean families and communities heal from the psychological wounds of slavery and people-pleasing patterns passed down through generations. Want to be a part of that healing? Forward this email to a Caribbean friend. OR Sow a seed here.
Are you an organization leader who is committed to equipping your people to serving and leading without losing themselves? Shoot me an email at hello@findyourpinkflamingo.com to find out more about booking me for trainings or workshops.
P.S. Your stories encourage me the same way I hope mine encourage you. Send me yours, even if it’s just a two-line email! hello@findyourpinkflamingo.com.
