For the one who finds it hard to receive without overthinking: Here are 3 reasons why smiling and saying ‘Thank you’ doesn’t stop your overthinking. And here’s how to uplevel your ability to receive from others without feeling guilty, fearing the cost or wondering if they’re sorry for you.
Reason #1: You still believe that “nothing in this world is free”.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a physical gift or compliments, years of experience taught you not to trust the one who comes bearing gifts. There was always a cost to any gift you dared to receive.
Some gifts were downpayments for a favour that would be asked of you later. Some loved ones used their prior kindness against you when you later decided to hold your ground against something the person desired. I’m sure the proverbial “how can you forget what when I did xyz for you” still lives rent-free in your mind. Other people became thorns in your side after they forced you to accept gifts and told you to repay them later. Heck, even with God, nothing came to you freely. You had to work hard to earn His favour and love. And He’s supposed to be a loving Father.
The guilt trips, attempts to manipulate you, embarrassment of dealing with the effects of gifts you never wanted and the hidden attempts to curry your favour sucked the joy out of receiving most things. So, to avoid those situations, you decided it was just easier to never owe anyone anything.
That’s why smiling and saying ‘thank you’ doesn’t stop the overthinking you experience as you try to receive from others. Your past experiences trained you. And now, the question of “what will this cost me…and can I afford it?” plays heavily at the forefront of your mind, so you don’t accept the gift. Even if you do accept the gift your mind immediately leapfrogs to “how can I repay them?”
The fear of owing someone something pushes you into the reactive thinking of “I must pay them back”, even if you pay them in instalments or some other small way.
Reason #2: You’re afraid to be a burden to others.
There is a good reason you go on an emotional nosedive during Christmas and birthdays when you get asked what you want. It’s the same reason I stopped telling my mom about school trips and school needs by the time I turned 10. It’s the same reason you struggle to ask God for anything. Oftentimes He’s not even your “plan z” and even if you are forced to ask for something, you doubt you’ll get it.
It’s the same reason why receiving love and care from your loved ones scares the shit out of you, even in your marriage. It’s the same reason you feel like a burden to your spouse if you dare to cry after a hard day.
In each of these situations, you automatically calculate the burden to the other person and decide “that’s too much, that’s too expensive.” Other times, you painstakingly do that calculation and may even check with them and spend days vacillating between accepting or not. You love them, and so, you never want to be a burden that they must bear.
So, you say no, or choose the cheapest thing you can find that would get them off your back. And should you dare accept the expensive (burdensome) thing, you wait until you have no strength left, until it’s your only option. And then comes the guilt. Then you wonder about how long it will take for them to get tired of you falling apart on them. You beat yourself up for being weak.
That’s why no matter how much you smile and say, ‘thank you’, the overthinking doesn’t stop as you try to receive from others. Each opportunity to receive is a situation where you’re trying to avoid being burdensome. You’re consciously or subconsciously weighing the size of the burden they’d carry if you received what they want to give to you. And if you decide it’s too much for them to bear, it becomes hard for you to receive. No matter how much you need or want the thing, you perceive receiving it as the unloving thing to do.
Reason #3: You think they’re giving because they feel sorry for you.
Sometimes, that pisses you off. You don’t imagine for a minute that they’re being sincere with the sympathy or gift. They must be looking down on you, so you default to resentment.
Sometimes, it’s because receiving what they’re giving compounds the shame and self-condemnation you walk around with. You already feel “too broken”. You already feel like shit about “not holding things together as you should”. You know it, and now here’s proof that they and the whole world know it. Here comes the judgement. You can’t bear to destroy the public image you carefully cultivated, even if you do need the help they’re offering.
Sometimes receiving is hard because you feel embarrassed and undeserving of any support people try to give you. It makes you feel terrible and more like a burden than ever, so you say “I’m fine”, shut down and reject it.
Sometimes you experience the anger, shame and embarrassment all in one go. You’d rather stay “strong” than risk the pity that confirms your unworthiness or beliefs that people MUST have for you.
And that’s the third reason why smiling and saying ‘thank you’ doesn’t stop the overthinking you experience as you try to receive from others. You’re internally battling the overwhelming well of emotions that flood you in the moment as you contemplate what people’s motives for giving to you say about you and how they perceive you.
So, how do you receive without overthinking
Now, the question that may be at the forefront of your mind is, “that’s great! Now, what do I do about this? How do I get better at receiving without all this stuff hijacking me?” I’m glad you asked! That’s where I’m headed next! Let’s talk about some strategies that address the deeper layers that remain untouched by common people-pleasing recovery advice like “Proper etiquette is to accept the compliment graciously and smile. It’s a skill that requires practice.”
The strategies I’m gonna share with you lie in the 3 Pink Flamingo Way pillars. This is a faith-aligned identity-focused approach to equipping recovering people-pleasers who desire to confidently show up as their truest self in the daily moments. Instead of self-sabotaging because of reactivity, self-doubt and lack of practical know-how.
Let’s explore each pillar and how you can use them to uplevel your receiving.
🦩Identity Mastery: Because Of Who You Are, Receiving From God, Yourself AND Others Is Your Birthright
Do you truly know who you are? Over the years, I’ve noticed that whenever I ask recovering people-pleasers that question, they immediately tell me about their roles – parent, job title, etc. I get it. It took me years to get to the point where I understood that my identity is first and foremost in being one of God’s beloved daughters. He calls me His own, and He calls you His own. And He has no favourites; God loves us all equally. As God’s child, you are the son/daughter of a King, first. That’s your birthright.
Here’s why it’s important to anchor your mind and daily life into who God says you are, not in what others tell you is possible or expected. Walking in your truest God-given identity – your “Pink Flamingo” self – changes how you view your worth and what you value. It changes your standards of being, your boundaries, what you desire and accept, the actions you feel safe taking and your way of thinking.
Let’s look at this through the lens of receiving. Years ago, I listened to a video clip from Dr. Myles Munroe (an excellent teacher about the Kingdom of Heaven). He said, “If you want to understand how God operates, study how kings operate.” Let’s venture further with that concept: “If you also want to understand how you can operate when it comes to receiving, study how and what the children of kings receive.”
Kings’ children receive gifts and provisions from their parents, themselves, their subjects and foreign envoys constantly. In old-time monarchies, Kings provided for the needs and desires of their children. Royal children received ongoing sustenance through household staff funded by royal revenues, properties yielding rents and taxes, and gifts from vassals. For example, in modern monarchies, royal children attract sponsorships and invitations globally. There may be a cost to their parents, but it was no cost to them. They didn’t have to earn it. They just received the benefits of their birthright.
Matthew 7:11 tells us, “So if you, sinful people, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” While I’m not here to argue about the ethics of some of those monarchs, one thing remains clear. Their children had a birthright they accessed consistently. As children of the King of the Kingdom of God, we too have a birthright. Just imagine what’s possible for us to receive and from whom, just because we operate in our God-given “pink flamingo” identity.
Anchoring into your pink flamingo self requires detecting the identity-related beliefs you have about receiving and aligning them with God’s truth about your identity in every single role of your life. Then build evidence of that truth in your daily life.
In the Pink Flamingo University, we use activities like “God Who Sees Me” and “What Do You Want” to achieve that initial anchoring. Then use activities like “Poms-Poms” and “Gratefulness” to build evidence that our pink flamingos use to counteract lies when they try to make their appearance.
That lays a strong foundation for receiving in the daily moments. That’s what the other two pillars leverage.
🦩Relationship Mastery: Receiving That Aligns With Your Birthright Demands Stewardship, Not Walls.
Kings’ children have royal protocols around who they receive from and what they receive. This is why in the Pink Flamingo Receiving Maturity Journey, the highest level of receiving possible is stewarded receiving. It’s recognizing that as a King’s Kid, opportunities and connections will come to us from all corners of the earth. But they aren’t all good for us. They don’t all align with our Kingdom identity and mandate.
As you embrace your birthright, it’s crucial that you get vision around your mandate in each of your relationships. So, when opportunities to receive in those relationships arrive, you’re thinking in alignment with the vision, not fear. That’s what shifts your thinking from pondering the cost, burdensomeness of the gift or people’s sympathies, to: “Does accepting this align with my standard of being or boundaries? Am I being a good steward of myself and others by receiving this?”
If it’s not good for you and the person before you, you need the emotional fortitude to smile and say ‘No, thank you’ without fearing the loss of the relationship or how people will react to your refusal. If it’s good for you and your people, you need the emotional fortitude and confidence to accept. You accept because you’re convinced that this is the most aligned action and connection you can make in that season and context.
And that leads us into the third area of mastery….
🦩Emotional Mastery: Receiving That Aligns With Your Birthright Demands That You Respond, Not React
The two aforementioned masteries don’t operate in isolation. They are tied together with emotional mastery. As you embrace your pink flamingo self and start to practice walking in that identity, it’s typical to be where you are right now. You get tripped up by thoughts that fuel your overthinking. And you have no tools to deal with them effectively, either proactively or in the moment. No amount of smiling and saying, “thank you!” can help with this.
The key is not to try harder. It’s to master your emotions. Yes, I know this is an area that’s typically uncomfortable for most recovering people-pleasers, especially the ones just starting out.
When you suppress/intellectualize your emotions, you one-handedly fight the battle to walk as your truest self. Because thoughts drive your feelings, and feelings drive your behaviours. Here’s how you get better at receiving (that’s the behaviour). Get intimate with what you’re feeling and understand the thoughts driving those feelings. Then eliminate or transform those thoughts into ones that align with your God-given identity and way of being.
Many times, those thoughts driving your behaviours are untrue or inaccurate. For example, there are plenty of people in the world who love you and are happy to give to you with no strings attached. There are plenty of people who enjoy going the extra mile to give to others without seeing the people they’re giving to as burdens. And yes, they exist all around you. They’re your loved ones and strangers – envoys who just desire to pay homage to you and your Heavenly Father.
In the Pink Flamingo University, we use tools like the Conflict Navigation Framework to increase emotional mastery in the day-to-day moment. So, instead of smiling and saying, “thank you”, you pause to see where you’re at psychologically. You note the emotions and thoughts coming up for you in the moment and deal with the ones that are misaligned with your identity and the reality of the gift and relationship. Then and only then do you seek to see and understand the person before you and decide about accepting the gift. This is how identity and relational mastery tie in.
When you learn to navigate your feelings with proficiency, you’ll be able to see clearly and express your heart with confidence. That’s when you start receiving as your truest “Pink Flamingo” self. That’s when you can smile and say, “thank you!” and mean it from your heart. Reactivity flew through the window with the lies, assumptions and decisions that skewed your perspective. You show up in ways that honour and steward everyone well.
In conclusion…
Here’s how you deal with the root cause of your overthinking around receiving:
- Master your identity: Identify your identity-related beliefs about receiving and align them with God’s truth about your identity in every role of your life. Then build evidence of that truth in your daily life.
- Master your relationships: Confirm that the gift aligns with your vision to steward the relationship, yourself, the other person and your mandate.
- Master your emotions: Pause to truly see yourself and assess the thoughts driving your feelings and behaviours before you receive or reject a gift.
It’s time you quit trying harder and doing common people-pleasing recovery advice like “smile and say, ‘thank you!’”, as your mind implodes on itself. Receiving from God, yourself and others can be both abundant and joyful. It’s time to embrace that birthright. And if you’d like support with getting there, I’d be honoured to equip you with these tools, a safe practice space and community within the Pink Flamingo University. Apply here: https://club.findyourpinkflamingo.com/
With pink flamingo love,
Chañel
P.S. Here are some tools and strategies to foster self-trust as a recovering people-pleaser
Enjoy reading? Read my first book, “In Search of the Pink Flamingo – Ditch the Expectations of Others, Own Your Voice, and Be Your Unusual Self
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Prefer listening? Listen to this 5-minute episode “Birds bird. Chañel Chañel” on the Pink Flamingo Podcast. This episode hits if you have ever held back who you are because you’re scared no one will like the real you.
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