A Wellmade Match: The Proverbs 31 Man & Proverbs 31 Woman

Today on a day when mothers are celebrated worldwide, I find myself reflecting on the Proverbs 31 woman.

You see I grew up hearing Christian women aspiring to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I also heard men desiring a Proverbs 31 woman as their wife. But today, something struck me. We focus on the qualities of the woman but never the qualities of the man who she chooses to partner with.

What do I mean? If you look at Proverbs 31, the chapter starts with King Lemuel sharing the words of his mom as she cautioned her son on the type of woman he should choose as his wife: one who doesn’t ruin kings.

do not waste your strength on women,
    on those who ruin kings.

Proverbs 31:3

But it doesn’t end there, she also shares key characteristics of a king and leader. They are full of life (not dying) and don’t use alcohol (or anything) to ignore or forget the realities of life. They handle business (no matter what life throws them) and do not neglect the poor and helpless or forget the law.

It is not for kings, O Lemuel, to guzzle wine.
    Rulers should not crave alcohol.
For if they drink, they may forget the law
    and not give justice to the oppressed.
Alcohol is for the dying,
    and wine for those in bitter distress.
Let them drink to forget their poverty
    and remember their troubles no more.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves;
    ensure justice for those being crushed.
Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless,
    and see that they get justice.

Proverbs 31:4-9

It is only then that King Lemuel’s mom talks more in depth about the woman who doesn’t ruin kings. She is who we call the Proverbs 31 woman: a wife (v10-12), mother (v28-29), profitable businesswoman (v16-18), employer (v15) and philanthropist (v20).

But there is something important that I’ve never heard anyone talk about. Her husband behaves like the king, King Lemuel’s mother talks about:

Her husband is well known at the city gates,
    where he sits with the other civic leaders.

Proverbs 31:23

He is a respected leader and nation-builder. But not only that, he trusts, encourages and greatly values his wife for all she is.

Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.

Her children stand and bless her.
    Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
    but you surpass them all!”

Proverbs 31:11, 28-29

The Proverbs 31 woman is full of life and purpose and she married a man (a king) who complements her. Can you imagine what would happen if a single woman, who embodies the qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman, marries a man who doesn’t embodies the qualities of the Proverbs 31 man?

Remember Abigail in 1 Samuel 25:1-44 who had to rush to address her husband’s unwise actions but couldn’t share what she was doing until after it was done? Make no mistake, the Proverbs 31 woman would still thrive but it would require so much more of her and would sow distrust and strain their relationship. Because this is man who is not fully being himself or walking in his purpose and calling. This is a man who doesn’t trust her or see her value. Or if he sees her value, he probably feels threatened by it and tries to undermine her. This is a man who probably wouldn’t be able to support her spiritually, mentally and emotionally in the way she needs because he is not showing up as the king he is meant to be.

In fact, I don’t believe the Proverbs 31 woman would have been able to thrive so joyfully as a wife and mother if she didn’t have a Proverbs 31 man: a partner and spouse who trusts and values her and himself.

That is why they thrive together. The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman who doesn’t ruin kings. But her husband is also a man who doesn’t ruin the woman who doesn’t ruin kings. They can trust each other and they both greatly enrich each other’s life. They bring each other good, not harm, all the days of their life.

The Point? I assure you there is one… 🙂

My friend, the Proverbs 31 woman needs a Proverbs 31 king. The Proverbs 31 king needs a Proverbs 31 woman. So if you desire a Proverbs 31 man, become a Proverbs 31 woman. And if you desire a Proverbs 31 woman, become a Proverbs 31 man. Be the king or queen, you are meant to be. Be someone your spouse can partner with, dream with, build with, grow with, and BE all they are.