Despite everything, for years my secret self entertained the yearnings of finally communicating and working things out. Though my conscious self worked hard at looking ahead and moving forward, my subconscious self waited in bated hope, being a positivist and refusing to see the futility of waiting. How can two persons who clicked from the beginning be so far apart? I could not understand.
It is strange that it took death to understand. Death to accept. In your own way you do love me. In your own way you do love your mom yet your callousness made her cry and her cries were of how disappointed you, as the new head of the house, made her feel. If you can do that to her, why should I expect that you would do any different to me?
I minded the fact that you are lazy. I have always envisaged myself being a helpmeet, the one who supports her man in wealth and poorness. The one who helps and encourages her man in his ventures because when he succeeds I succeed. I never envisaged myself a slave which is what I’ll become if you are lazy.
I cannot believe I always made excuses for you when you decided to avoid your responsibilities or run from fulfilling them. Whenever you weren’t preserving your way out, you were either opting out or showing up late. Then there was school that you promised to start faithfully each year but still haven’t made a move towards even registering yet I being the fool I was always encouraged and did the research for you.
This was the you my subconscious refused to see and acknowledge. You were not my knight in shining armour. You were not my partner in crime. You were just a dream. I couldn’t accept that the truth of the matter was that though I loved and wanted you, I loved and wanted a boy not a man. You are a boy who used women and didn’t have the courage or maturity to love or treat them the way they deserved.
It took death for me to see this. Death for me to accept that after years of loving you, years of being hurt and disappointed so many times. Years of feeling as though there was an impenetrable glass that always separated us. I accepted the truth. I still love you. That’s not something I can turn off and I wouldn’t want to because it had helped to mould me into who I am today. I will always remember and treasure the moonlight but the truth is…. My mind has rejected you. I love you but I no longer want you.
